How late is too late for condolence notes?

A reader wonders, “Is it too late to send a condolence note six months after a death?” I’m not aware of a statute of limitations when it comes to condolence notes, but how late is too late? Is it appropriate to send a note six months or even one year after a death?

Your first consideration should be the bereaved. How might they feel when they receive your belated note? Will they be comforted that someone remembers them and their loved one? Will they feel better knowing that they haven’t been forgotten? Or is your note, twelve months later, just too late?

I would treat each case individually. Have you known about the death for many months and procrastinated? Or, did you just learn of a death, for example a high school or college friend, and wish to contact the parents or sibling(s)? Evaluate each case on its own merit. You might ask yourself, “What is it I want to say and what makes me want to reach out?”

The following example is a condolence note you might write for a former classmate that died seven months ago:

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Hiller,

Please accept my apology for this delayed note, but I just learned of Paul’s death. I was unaware he was ill and I’m terribly saddened to hear of his untimely death. You both have my deepest sympathy.

Paul was an extraordinarily special person who touched many lives. I was so lucky to have him as a roommate freshman year and he made my transition to college so much easier. We supported each other through so many challenges and I’ll always be grateful for the integral part Paul played in my life.

Despite living on opposite coasts, Paul and I managed to retain our friendship and when we had time to spend together, it was if no time had elapsed between visits. I will miss our conversations and visits, but cherish all my memories.

You were wonderful parents and I always enjoyed your campus visits. You and Paul made a difference in my life and I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Warmest regards,

Larry

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Click here to order.

Jewish rituals of mourning

When a death occurs in the Jewish faith, there are very specific rituals concerning burial and mourning that provide comfort to the bereaved as well as a framework for what to say and do.

It is custom for burials to take place as soon as possible, usually within twenty-four hours, but no longer than two days following the death. An exception is made only if immediate family must travel long distances. All aspects of the funeral are as simple as possible. There is no wake or viewing and the casket remains closed. Traditionally, there are no flowers at the funeral or memorial service and it’s not appropriate to send the bereaved flowers; flowers are considered for the living. Condolence messages and donations are welcome at any time following the funeral.

Mourners typically have a small symbolic tear to their clothes, called a Keriah, to represent a broken heart. The family will sit Shiva for seven days following the funeral. During Shiva, family members and friends congregate at the home of the bereaved to comfort the mourners. It’s customary to bring food, such as, baked goods, fruit, or meals. When visiting the bereaved, give your condolences and then wait for the mourner to talk about whatever he or she chooses. If the mourner wants to be silent, the visitor’s role is just to be with them; your presence is what’s important.

The family will continue to observe mourning during Sh’loshim, a period of twenty-one days, the three weeks following Shiva. Visits by friends during Sh’loshim are particularly welcome as condolence visits have slowed down and mourners might feel especially isolated.

Families will observe Yahrtzeit each year at the anniversary of their loved one’s death. On the loved one’s Yahrtzeit, a candle that will burn for twenty-four hours is lit while prayers are said. The family might attend Shabbat services where their loved one will be remembered during Yahrtzeit prayers.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Click here to order.

Making contact with the bereaved

While in my twenties, a close friend’s mom died. My friend shared the time and place of the visitation and yet I chose not to attend. I had good excuses; I was living in a large city and was unfamiliar with the part of town where the visitation was held. Also, my faith does not hold visitations and I had no idea what to expect. I chose to write a condolence note and I stayed away. The day after the visitation, before my note arrived, my friend called. During our conversation, she told me that an acquaintance from work had showed up at the visitation. She shared that even though they weren’t friends, she had embraced her warmly and was so glad to see her.

This experience taught me the importance of making that initial connection with friends and loved ones following a death. It’s like breaking the ice in any situation; it may feel very awkward at first, but once you make contact, communication becomes easier. For example, a few years ago, a member of my congregation experienced a terrible loss. Several weeks after his wife’s death, I saw him sitting alone before services. I approached him and gave him a hug and told him how sorry I was for his loss. When I returned to my seat, other members of the congregation followed my lead. It seemed as if they needed someone to show them that it was okay to make contact.

So how do you break the ice? And is it always okay to give a hug? If you are physically nearby, show your support by attending the visitation, the funeral or memorial service, and the reception. And speak to the bereaved. If the family is accepting visitors at home, pay your respects. If you are uncertain about whether it’s appropriate to give a hug, it might be best to ask, “Is it okay to give you a hug?” as not everyone is receptive. Condolence messages, whether by card or note, as well as donations are always appreciated.

But what if you are neither nearby nor close to the bereaved? It’s still appropriate to write a note or send a card. And if you’d like to remember the deceased with a donation, that’s okay too.

Once you’ve broken the ice, your support in the days ahead will be welcome. You might make a phone call, just to say hello and let them know you’re thinking of them. If they don’t answer the phone, leave a short message. E-mail is also a great way to keep in touch.

It’s very caring to offer to bring lunch or dinner, or visit the bereaved. We sometimes shy away from visiting because we know the bereaved are very sad. But visits should be short and all that is really required from you is companionship. The most helpful thing you can do is to let the bereaved know you care, and then listen, allowing them to guide the conversation. It’s not your job to distract them from their grief. If they’d like to talk, listen. And if they don’t want to talk, just sit and keep them company. Your presence is all that’s needed.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Click here to order.

What not to do

A young woman who was eight months pregnant gave birth to a stillborn baby. Overcome with grief, she called her supervisor at work and requested he notify her colleagues by e-mail so she wouldn’t have to individually tell her devastating news. It seemed a simple request, but when she returned to work, she learned her supervisor did not notify her colleagues and they were each stunned when she painfully shared the news. Not knowing what to say or do, they avoided her and she felt shunned and alone in her grief. After a few months, she quit her job and left the organization.

Afraid to say the wrong thing, many people stay away. But it’s important to understand how our actions, or lack of action, impact the loss that friends, family members, colleagues, and community members are experiencing.

What should you not do?

· Don’t stay away.

· Don’t avoid returning phone calls from the bereaved.

· Don’t refuse the bereaved when you are asked to help.

· Don’t disregard family wishes for donations and make them instead to your pet cause.

· Don’t avoid communicating difficult news, placing the burden on the bereaved.

· Don’t ask the bereaved to do something for you when they can barely take care of themselves.

· Don’t ask the bereaved for details.

· Don’t ask for a possession of the deceased or ask for something back that you’d given them.

· Don’t pay a visit and expect to be fed or entertained.

· Don’t expect the bereaved to reciprocate your kindness – this is one of those occasions when someone, when they are ready, will pay it forward.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Click here to order.

What to expect at a Unitarian Memorial Service

The Unitarian faith is a practical religion that believes in economy. Most members cremate their dead and they hold memorial services that are a celebration of life, scheduled at a date convenient for the family.

Their memorial services are personal with favorite music and readings. The families are very involved in their planning and they often share funny and poignant stories of the deceased. Attendees are invited to participate so if you knew the deceased and have a story to share, your contribution is welcome.

It’s appropriate to dress up for the service in neutral colors. For women this means a dress, skirt or pants outfit and coat and tie for men.

What are you expected to do? Upon arriving at the service, sign the guest book. You can make a donation as requested by the family either before or after the service.

The bereaved family usually provides flowers for the sanctuary so you are not expected to send flowers. There is often a reception held in the church social hall after the service. If you are a family member or close friend, you might offer to bring photos or something for the reception.

It’s up to the family on how they choose to handle the ashes. It might be a private affair or you might be invited while the family interns or scatters them in a memorial garden.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Click here to order.

What not to say after a miscarriage

What is it about a miscarriage that makes it so difficult to say the right thing? Women who miscarry report that they’re frequently the target of callous and hurtful comments that dismiss or trivialize their loss. While the list of offenders includes friends, colleagues, and medical professionals, the worst culprits might surprise you; often family members, especially their own moms, mothers-in-law, sisters, and sisters-in-law.

Here’s a list of what you should NEVER say after a miscarriage:

· It happened for a reason.

· There was probably something wrong with your baby.

· It's God's will.

· It was for the best.

· Now you have your own angel.

· At least you didn’t know the baby.

· You can try again.

· You can always have another

· You already have two healthy kids.

· Be grateful for the children you have.

· I can imagine how you feel.

So what can you say? Be honest: “I’m so shocked, I just don’t know what to say” or “I know how much you wanted this baby and I’m so sorry.” Comfort them with: “I’m praying that your dreams will come true” or “You're going to be wonderful parents someday." Assure them: “I’m here for you” and make good on your promise. Extend a sincere offer: “What can I do to help?” and follow through on it.

One mom reported that many family members said hurtful things but one knew exactly what to do – listen. Her sister sat with her while she cried, listening carefully while she shared her feelings and pain. When she was finished, her sister repeated back to her what she’d said. In doing so, her sister communicated that she was listening and understood how the mom was feeling.

It’s important to remember that a miscarriage is a death and should be treated as such. The mom and dad feel as awful as anyone feels following a death. It will take them awhile to recover and move on with their lives. Be patient with them. And watch what you say.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Click here to order.

How to make memorial donations

We honor the deceased by making donations in their memory. Many obituaries designate a charity or fund selected by the family, but what if the organization is one you’d prefer not to support or worse, in conflict with your values? Do you donate anyway or ignore the family’s request, making a donation to a charity or cause you support? And what if there is no indication of where to donate? How do you choose something appropriate?

Ask yourself, "Why am I making a donation?" Is it to both honor the deceased and bring comfort to their family? If so, then make a donation to the designated organization. If it’s an organization you would not normally support, you can give the minimal donation. If you want to ensure that a specific individual is notified of the donation, indicate who the donation is for and who you want the acknowledgment sent to, providing that person’s address. Otherwise, you risk that another family member who doesn’t know you might be notified of the donation.

If you do not know the bereaved family and would like to honor the deceased by supporting a cause you find meaningful, I believe it is fine to make your own choice. You are the one that will find comfort knowing your donation in the deceased’s memory will make a difference.

When no one has indicated where to make a donation, then the choice is up to you. Did the deceased have a passion for nature, the environment, the arts, or humanity? If you’re uncertain, it’s often most appropriate to honor someone’s memory through a donation that helps someone in need. Many people find comfort knowing that those less fortunate will benefit so think in terms of food banks, the homeless, or other helping organizations.

Whatever you choose to do, honoring the deceased by helping others is a caring thing to do.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Click here to order.