tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-82299753522553231112024-03-13T06:39:04.502-07:00Comforting Words - When You Don't Know What To SayThis is the blog of Robbie Miller Kaplan, author of "How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say." Please bookmark my site as a resource on helpful ways to comfort those facing tough times. Comments and questions are welcome!Robbie Kaplanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15813801846955334293noreply@blogger.comBlogger55125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8229975352255323111.post-70807379627066549952010-06-14T15:04:00.000-07:002010-11-05T09:23:54.903-07:00I've moved!Same comforting words but at a new address: <a href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/">www.wordsthatcomfort.com/</a>.<br />Come visit me!Robbie Kaplanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15813801846955334293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8229975352255323111.post-60662623964609916782010-05-05T09:57:00.000-07:002010-06-25T09:23:47.911-07:00What not to wear to a funeral<div align="justify">We live in a world where anything goes. And yet I’m still surprised at some of the things people wear; jeans and sweatshirts to church, shorts at a fine restaurant on a Saturday night, and flip flops for all occasions. But when it comes to funerals, most of us sense that there are some rules of protocol that should be followed. </div><div align="justify"><br />A friend recently shared that she attended a funeral and was surprised that a teenage family member wore casual clothing and flip flops. I was surprised myself when attending a funeral at Arlington National Cemetery to see the thirty-year old daughter of the deceased wearing a bright and low cut dress that showed her cleavage. So it’s no wonder that those of us attending funerals might think, what should we wear? </div><div align="justify"><br />We should dress in a way that shows respect so it’s safe to err on the conservative side and avoid bright colors, bright prints, and anything flashy or glittery. Stay away from the casual and opt for something on the dressier side. You don’t have to stick to black but choose darker or muted colors, such as, grays, dark blues, or browns. Women can wear pants, skirts, blouses, jackets, sweaters, or dresses, opting for a pulled together look. No sneakers, flip flops or too casual shoes. Men can wear slacks, sport jackets, or suits and appropriate footwear. The look you want is non obtrusive.</div><div align="justify"><br />Funerals are not a time to be conspicuous; it’s a time to blend in with the other mourners.</div><br /><a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store"><img src="http://api.ning.com/files/TggkM6Ft7qdkQLVRceTw8bSTi0k38LYCWLg02M2*-snUHckSi7fkx-tCPjwMJCuRrzeE5qswyhiJ8opdKP5c-17KmS4*BWFk/Illnessborder130x199.jpg" alt="" width="130" height="199" style="float: right;"/></a><i>Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say</a>, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">Click here to order</a>.</i>Robbie Kaplanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15813801846955334293noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8229975352255323111.post-18069539861995540082010-04-14T11:51:00.000-07:002010-06-25T09:24:57.009-07:00When memories are all we have<div align="justify">My friend’s dad died several years ago but she thinks of him often; his golf hat and golf clubs are a constant reminder. She stores them where they’re visible and she smiles when she sees them. A cousin wore his dad’s coat the first winter following his father’s death and a friend found great comfort using her mom’s handbag while she grieved her death.</div><div align="justify"><br />These stories made me think of my grandma. She was constantly in the kitchen and she always wore an apron. I wear an apron too and every time my hands reach behind me to tie the bow, I think of my grandma. And I’ve continued her legacy by giving every family member an apron.</div><div align="justify"><br />These tangible reminders are what keep our loved ones close and a continued part of our lives. I was reminded of this when we celebrated my daughter’s birthday at a restaurant this week-end. All grown up, I was surprised she wanted us to sing the family birthday song. The song dates back to my mom’s camping days and my mom made it a part of our family’s celebrations; I’ve passed it on to mine. My husband, daughter and I tried to sing quietly, clinking our glasses on cue. I thought how special it was that my mother’s legacy is still very much a part of our lives and I have every confidence that my daughter will pass it on to another generation. </div><div align="justify"><br />Here are some ways to keep your memories alive, not just for you but for generations to come:</div><div align="justify"><br />1. Display photographs where you can see them often. And use them as a way to share a story with other family members and friends.<br />2. Prepare and integrate family recipes into your daily life and holidays and let everyone know their history.<br />3. Share copies of your loved one’s recipes. When I share a recipe from my mom, I always title it “Jean’s ***” and it always give me pleasure. And I have recipes in my personal cookbook that bear the name of my friends’ loved ones.<br />4. Use a family heirloom, such as a serving piece, at holiday time, reminding your family of its history and all the occasions it’s served.<br />5. Pass on family heirlooms to family members that will use and treasure both the item and the memory.<br />6. Tell stories and tell them often. Your personal stories will become part of your family’s history.<br />7. Copy documents and share them with other family members to preserve and cherish your loved ones.<br />8. Document personal history and memories, creating a written story to be passed down to generations to come.</div><br /><a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store"><img src="http://api.ning.com/files/TggkM6Ft7qdkQLVRceTw8bSTi0k38LYCWLg02M2*-snUHckSi7fkx-tCPjwMJCuRrzeE5qswyhiJ8opdKP5c-17KmS4*BWFk/Illnessborder130x199.jpg" alt="" width="130" height="199" style="float: right;"/></a><i>Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say</a>, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">Click here to order</a>.</i>Robbie Kaplanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15813801846955334293noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8229975352255323111.post-13769191178828377602010-03-31T04:56:00.000-07:002010-06-25T09:26:20.365-07:00When you need help<div align="justify">In a perfect world, someone would assess the needs of individuals or families dealing with loss and put a plan in place where they would receive the support they need. Some religious institutions do this and some friends are organized enough to create a network to fulfill those needs. But what happens when the religious institution fails to support, family lives far away, and friends can’t coordinate a unified effort?</div><p align="justify"><br />When someone faces a difficult loss, whose responsibility is it to communicate their needs? This question came up recently when a reader shared their complicated medical trauma that had them back and forth to another part of the country for treatment. Like many others, they chose to communicate with family and friends via a caring website where they posted journal entries. They requested no calls so without phone communication and direction, it was hard to figure out how to best help; most friends and family members resorted to cards and e-mail. They did notify their religious institution but no concrete help was offered. And while cards and e-mails are helpful, this family had some real needs that were not addressed.<br /><br />So it got me thinking how you might handle this if you needed support and it wasn’t forthcoming. What if you let your religious institution know your circumstances and they offer no support. Do you call them and communicate some specific needs? And what about your friends? Do you call one trusted friend and give them a list of other friends and ask them to coordinate support? </p><p align="justify">I’ve heard amazing stories how neighbors and acquaintances pull together to help those in need. How community members solicit help from other members who don’t even know the family. How new bonds are created and networks formed when individuals seeking support are willing to communicate their needs and ask for help.<br /><br />I know how difficult it is to ask for help when you are feeling so vulnerable. But when others truly don’t know what to do, it may be the time to step up and be specific about your needs. And if someone says they can’t help you, don’t be deterred. There are a lot of caring souls out there that may just need some direction. And we all know that it’s the supportive and caring gestures that bring comfort and facilitate the healing process.<br /><br /><a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store"><img src="http://api.ning.com/files/TggkM6Ft7qdkQLVRceTw8bSTi0k38LYCWLg02M2*-snUHckSi7fkx-tCPjwMJCuRrzeE5qswyhiJ8opdKP5c-17KmS4*BWFk/Illnessborder130x199.jpg" alt="" width="130" height="199" style="float: right;"/></a><i>Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say</a>, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">Click here to order</a>.</i>Robbie Kaplanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15813801846955334293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8229975352255323111.post-42151023040737131872010-03-23T08:46:00.000-07:002010-06-25T09:27:28.847-07:00Seasons of griefIt’s wintertime for me. At the most dismal time of year, the birthdays of three special family members and the anniversaries of their deaths fall within a ten-week period. I used to think the weather made this time even gloomier until I read an essay that changed my thinking. The writer’s father died in July and the author recounts how, despite the sunshine and flowers, July is always a season of sadness for her.<br /><br />So how do we cope with these seasons of grief? I’ve learned that there is no right or wrong way to work through it. Grief is so personal and unique and it’s influenced by our experience and relationships.<br /><br />As the years have passed, I’ve handled these seasons differently, trying not to get mired in it. Sometimes I’ve keep busy, not just with my work, but with an active social life. Other times travel is a great distraction. I often try to focus on being productive so if I succumb to sadness, at least I feel a sense that I’m moving forward. Often, just living in the present and keeping an eye on the future helps.<br /><br />But what I have learned over the years is that at some point, no matter how sad, it is essential for me to acknowledge my family members. I think of them on their birthdays, feeling my love for them and the gratitude that they were a part of my life. I light a candle for each of them on the anniversary of their deaths. The candle burns for twenty-four hours and as I move through my day, I glimpse the candle as I pass and it reminds me how their spirit continues to live on within me.<br /><br />What I’ve found empowering is the knowledge that while I can’t change what has happened to me, I can control how I manage the experience. I can avoid it by burying myself or getting out of town. Or, I can acknowledge it and allow myself to recognize the gifts that were mine, no matter how fleeting. All of us have that power.<br /><br /><a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store"><img src="http://api.ning.com/files/TggkM6Ft7qdkQLVRceTw8bSTi0k38LYCWLg02M2*-snUHckSi7fkx-tCPjwMJCuRrzeE5qswyhiJ8opdKP5c-17KmS4*BWFk/Illnessborder130x199.jpg" alt="" width="130" height="199" style="float: right;"/></a><i>Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say</a>, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">Click here to order</a>.</i>Robbie Kaplanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15813801846955334293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8229975352255323111.post-30354782490352879222010-03-02T09:41:00.000-08:002010-06-25T09:27:58.526-07:00What not to say after a suicide<p>Suicide was back in the news this week after the tragic death of Marie Osmond’s eighteen-year old son. “Suicide survivors,” the bereaved whose loved one died by suicide, are often left to deal with guilt (could I have stopped it?); rejection (how could they choose death over me?); stigmatism by friends, loved ones, and society (their loved one chose death over life).<br /><br />So what can you do when a friend or loved one experiences a death by suicide? You can provide nonjudgmental support to help your friend or loved one navigate what will be a complicated and prolonged bereavement.<br /><br />1. Don’t stay away because you fear you’ll say the wrong thing. Instead, express your deepest condolences and share how sorry you are for the loss. If you knew the deceased, you can share what was so special about them and that you will miss them too.<br /><br />2. Don’t think suicide should be treated any differently than any other death. Treat suicide survivors the same way you would treat anyone who is grieving the loss of a loved one.<br /><br />3. Don’t use words and phrases to describe suicide in negative connotations. Avoid saying “committed suicide;” using the word “committed” implies a crime.<br /><br />4. Don’t use language that implies the person who died by suicide was to blame. It’s inappropriate to say “killed themselves,” “ended their life” or, “they took their life by their own choice.”<br /><br />5. Don’t ask questions. You can offer to listen confidentially, and leave it up to the bereaved to let you know if and when they’d like to talk. </p><br /> <br /><a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store"><img src="http://api.ning.com/files/TggkM6Ft7qdkQLVRceTw8bSTi0k38LYCWLg02M2*-snUHckSi7fkx-tCPjwMJCuRrzeE5qswyhiJ8opdKP5c-17KmS4*BWFk/Illnessborder130x199.jpg" alt="" width="130" height="199" style="float: right;"/></a><i>Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say</a>, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">Click here to order</a>.</i>Robbie Kaplanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15813801846955334293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8229975352255323111.post-78664196182818125732010-02-24T08:47:00.000-08:002010-06-25T09:28:25.915-07:00Respecting a friend's request<div align="justify">A reader wonders what they can do to support a friend who is terminally ill. The two had a close relationship but the friend moved away to be near family. The friend has gotten sicker, refused all requests to visit, and has become too weak to speak on the phone. It is feared that the end is near. The reader wonders, “Should I keep calling, requesting a visit, or, should I honor my friend’s request, even if I may never see them again?”<br /><br />This is a painful dilemma. I often find it helpful if you can put yourself in the other person’s shoes. If you very ill and at this stage in your own life, would you want someone to honor your request? And if you do, that doesn't mean you have to stop caring.<br /><br />Since the phone calls aren’t getting answered or returned, why not try reaching out in another way? It’s often special to receive something in the mail and you can write your thoughts directly to them. There are many benefits to this strategy; they'll hear from you and if they choose, they can re-read your letters at any time. You are respecting their privacy while reaching out to let them know they’re not alone. And you can always say “I understand your desire for privacy. Should you feel at any time you'd welcome a phone call or visit, I will respond as quickly as I can."<br /><br />You might also reach out to the parents with a note. They are going through this experience with their son or daughter and they too could use support. Let them know you are thinking of them and would love to reach out and help in any way. Remind them that you've communicated to their son or daughter that you will come and support them, and you’re willing to do the same for them.<br /><br />It's important to respect boundaries. The last thing you want to do at this point is make someone feel guilty for communicating their wishes. It's helpful to keep in perspective that as difficult as this is for you, it’s even worse for your friend and their parents. </div><br /><a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store"><img src="http://api.ning.com/files/TggkM6Ft7qdkQLVRceTw8bSTi0k38LYCWLg02M2*-snUHckSi7fkx-tCPjwMJCuRrzeE5qswyhiJ8opdKP5c-17KmS4*BWFk/Illnessborder130x199.jpg" alt="" width="130" height="199" style="float: right;"/></a><i>Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say</a>, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">Click here to order</a>.</i>Robbie Kaplanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15813801846955334293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8229975352255323111.post-13152255652305605432010-02-16T08:50:00.000-08:002010-06-25T09:28:52.283-07:00Cooking up some comfort<div align="justify">We had a lot of snow last week, three feet deep. With no place to go, it seemed an opportune time to try my hand at something I’d wanted to do for the last nine years; attempt to make my mom’s stuffed cabbage recipe.<br /><br />My mom called herself a short order cook and one of her favorite ways to comfort was something homemade from her kitchen. I was a lucky recipient and every time we visited, she prepared three of my favorite recipes. Why would I bother to cook them myself when she was so willing? Much to my regret, I neither learned her techniques nor recorded exact ingredients or oven temperatures. So trying to duplicate them became a challenge.<br /><br />In the months following my mom’s death, I decided to bake her date and nut bread. My kitchen island resembled a test kitchen as I measured, weighed, and recorded numerous attempts. After weeks, I finally mastered it. But the stuffed cabbage recipe was missing the oven temperature, cooking times, and exact ingredients and I just didn’t want to tarnish such a delicious memory. And so I put it off.<br /><br />Last week, I had plenty of time. I searched online to find a recipe with similar ingredients but clearer instructions and amazingly, I found one. I put both of the recipes together and cleared the kitchen island. To my advantage, I actually have the roaster my mom used for the recipe; so confident was she that I would take the mantle that she mailed it to me just three months before her death.<br /><br />The toughest job was the cabbage; no matter how much hot water, the leaves were hard to separate, and I struggled. I remembered her thinning out the membrane and despite my best efforts, the leaves were still hard to roll. I worked through the entire morning and when the cabbage rolls were finally nestled in the roaster, they looked just like I remembered. And when they started to bake, the house filled with a wonderful aroma. And much to my surprise, with thanks to the online recipe, it looked and tasted just like my mom’s.<br /><br />In the years since my mom’s death, I have seen so many of her qualities in myself. And it always gives me such warmth to know that she lives on in me. And now I can add stuffed cabbage to my list of accomplishments. Will I make them again? Maybe; when I find myself snowed in with a few feet of snow!</div><br /><br /><a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store"><img src="http://api.ning.com/files/TggkM6Ft7qdkQLVRceTw8bSTi0k38LYCWLg02M2*-snUHckSi7fkx-tCPjwMJCuRrzeE5qswyhiJ8opdKP5c-17KmS4*BWFk/Illnessborder130x199.jpg" alt="" width="130" height="199" style="float: right;"/></a><i>Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say</a>, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">Click here to order</a>.</i>Robbie Kaplanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15813801846955334293noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8229975352255323111.post-17143992064814829772010-02-09T10:37:00.000-08:002010-06-25T09:29:24.122-07:00How to honor a friend<div align="justify">It’s been almost five years since my friend Betsy died. She left a big void in my life as we had one of those rare friendships where we were truly like family.</div><br /><div align="justify">Betsy had a form of cancer that did not respond to post surgical treatment so I learned not to take our friendship for granted. For several years, I worried about Betsy and always asked how she was doing. Finally, she told me she had stopped worrying about the cancer; she considered it a period where she was sick and now she was well. And so I too finally stopped worrying about her cancer.</div><br /><div align="justify">Ten years later, the cancer came back. She and her family fought hard and found a medical center willing to try a new surgical procedure and for awhile, it seemed as if Betsy won another round. But the joy was short-lived as the cancer spread and her life was once again tenuous. Betsy’s death was a shock as we all believed her monumental spirit was too strong to crush.</div><br />I think of Betsy often, and not just on the anniversary of her death. While I’ve had many friends in my lifetime, none have had a greater influence on me. And when I think of Betsy, I think of honoring our friendship and her memory.<br /><br /><div align="justify">I fear that sometimes we get so caught up in our losses that we forget about the living. I spend so much time keeping in touch with friends and family members dealing with loss that I sometimes forget about those doing well. This year and this week, I’m going to try something new. I’m going to get in touch with my friends, just to let them know that I’m thinking of them, and how much I appreciate and value their friendship.</div><br /><div align="justify">This is a good week to let those you care about know you care. And thank them for being a part of your life.</div><br /><br /><a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store"><img src="http://api.ning.com/files/TggkM6Ft7qdkQLVRceTw8bSTi0k38LYCWLg02M2*-snUHckSi7fkx-tCPjwMJCuRrzeE5qswyhiJ8opdKP5c-17KmS4*BWFk/Illnessborder130x199.jpg" alt="" width="130" height="199" style="float: right;"/></a><i>Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say</a>, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">Click here to order</a>.</i>Robbie Kaplanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15813801846955334293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8229975352255323111.post-3944349482106272722010-01-26T13:17:00.000-08:002010-06-25T09:29:56.270-07:00Being supportive from afar<p>Is distance preventing you from supporting a friend or loved one dealing with illness or death? Do you wonder, “How can I be supportive when I live far away?” Or, have you concluded it is too difficult to support someone from a distance and think, “I wish I lived closer so I can be supportive.”<br /><br />There’s much you can do to show support from afar, and you can still make a difference in helping loved ones deal with loss. What you choose to do depends on your willingness to be involved and the needs or desires of your loved one.<br /><br />Here are some ideas of what’s worked for others:<br /><br />1. Take your cues on telephone calls as they may disturb both privacy and routines. Ask, “Is it okay if I call on Sunday? What would be a good time?” And then make sure you do call so they’re not waiting and disappointed. </p><p align="justify">2. If it’s okay to call, you might choose a day of the week and a specific time, checking in weekly to let them know they are in your thoughts.<br /><br />3. If they prefer you not call, use email as a way to communicate. It’s not intrusive and it allows the recipient to read and respond at their leisure. And it also lets them know they are not forgotten.<br /><br />4. Ask if there’s something specific you can do to help; you can conduct online research or ask for a contact list so you can call others with updates.<br /><br />5. Mail a package of goodies every other week or once a month. You can get a small, flat rate box from the postal service and fill it with homemade cookies or other treats.<br /><br />6. Ask if there is a favorite take-out food outlet. If so, buy a gift card for a dinner and its one less night they have to worry about a meal.<br /><br />The effort you make will mean so much to someone feeling so alone. And you’ll feel good in the process.</p><p><br /><br /><a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store"><img src="http://api.ning.com/files/TggkM6Ft7qdkQLVRceTw8bSTi0k38LYCWLg02M2*-snUHckSi7fkx-tCPjwMJCuRrzeE5qswyhiJ8opdKP5c-17KmS4*BWFk/Illnessborder130x199.jpg" alt="" width="130" height="199" style="float: right;"/></a><i>Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say</a>, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">Click here to order</a>.</i>Robbie Kaplanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15813801846955334293noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8229975352255323111.post-62399634704476079012010-01-19T06:25:00.000-08:002010-06-25T09:30:28.702-07:00You can’t hurry grief<div align="justify">I thought I knew everything there was to know about grief. After all, I’d faced some terrible losses by my early thirties. And yet my mom’s death really shook me. The grief and sense of loss was devastating and I found it incredibly hard to pull myself together that first year.<br /><br />From my experience, I’ve learned that every loss is different and one loss doesn’t necessarily prepare you for the next. Unlike other life experiences, the more practice you have doesn’t make you any more competent at coping nor does it make it easier. Grief isn’t like any other life event. It doesn’t matter how many times you go through it; each time is unique and each loss leaves a different void in your life.<br /><br />That’s just one good reason to never say to the bereaved, “I know how you feel.” Because you can’t possibly know how someone feels; just because you lost a mother, a child, or a spouse, your loss was unique to you. None of us knows the personal history or relationship that’s part of the loss and grieving process.<br /><br />Each of us grieves in our own time and in our own way. And if you are to heal, you must fully grieve. It’s hard to see someone in so much pain and I think that’s the reason many people shy away from the bereaved. But you can’t hurry someone through the mourning process. What you can do is be a friend. Stay the course, listen when they need to talk, and remain by their side. Isn’t that what you’ll want someone to do for you?</div><br /><br /><a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store"><img src="http://api.ning.com/files/TggkM6Ft7qdkQLVRceTw8bSTi0k38LYCWLg02M2*-snUHckSi7fkx-tCPjwMJCuRrzeE5qswyhiJ8opdKP5c-17KmS4*BWFk/Illnessborder130x199.jpg" alt="" width="130" height="199" style="float: right;"/></a><i>Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say</a>, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">Click here to order</a>.</i>Robbie Kaplanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15813801846955334293noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8229975352255323111.post-61269077140632148042010-01-13T04:34:00.000-08:002010-06-25T09:31:39.469-07:00Should you respond to inappropriate comments?You would think that medical professionals, of all people, would be sensitive when dealing with loss. And while I know that many aren’t comfortable with the topic, I’m still astonished at some of the callous and insensitive things that have been said to patients.<br /><br />A reader recently shared that her husband took his life. When she told her doctor, he asked, “How did he do it?” When she told him he used helium gas, the doctor said, “Well at least he didn't leave you a mess to clean up.”<br /><br />I wish this was an isolated instance, but it’s not. Another reader reports that when her baby died eight months into her pregnancy, the doctor that induced labor told her, “It’s for the best.”<br /><br />Most of us are shocked into silence when told something truly inappropriate. But shouldn’t we say something to let the speaker know that their comments were hurtful? If we say nothing, aren’t we leaving the speaker to think that what they said was okay and then they’re liable to say another hurtful comment to someone else?<br /><br />I have had my share of truly inappropriate comments and yet I have never told the speaker how their comments hurt. Is it appropriate to let someone know that their comment was inappropriate? Should we tell them in person or write a note in hope that they’ll be more tactful the next time they interact with someone experiencing loss?<br /><br />I’d like to hear what you think and learn how others have handled this issue. <br /><br /><a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store"><img src="http://api.ning.com/files/TggkM6Ft7qdkQLVRceTw8bSTi0k38LYCWLg02M2*-snUHckSi7fkx-tCPjwMJCuRrzeE5qswyhiJ8opdKP5c-17KmS4*BWFk/Illnessborder130x199.jpg" alt="" width="130" height="199" style="float: right;"/></a><i>Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say</a>, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">Click here to order</a>.</i>Robbie Kaplanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15813801846955334293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8229975352255323111.post-40866738820996431272010-01-04T06:02:00.000-08:002010-06-25T09:32:45.004-07:00Making a difference in times of lossWe’re often shocked and hurt by insensitive and inappropriate things people say and do. But lots of people get it right and seem to have a sixth sense when it comes supporting and comforting the bereaved. I’m going to start the New Year off on a positive note and share some of the real-life kindnesses you’ve reported to me: <br /><br />• “In the year since my husband died, my daughter gives me a surprise every month on the anniversary of his death. It might be a candy bar on my pillow or a scarf on the front seat of my car. One month she was out of town and I found flowers on my dresser; she instructed her husband to come to the house on his lunch break so I would find something special when I returned from work. Her thoughtfulness has lightened my heart during this difficult year.”<br /><br />• “My mother-in-law arrived a few minutes after I returned home from the hospital after my miscarriage. I told her I wasn’t up for entertaining. She told me to rest and she sat by my bed to keep me company. She said nothing all afternoon, just sat by my bed. It was the nicest and most caring thing she’s ever done for me.”<br /><br />• “The year after my mother died, my husband had surgery for cancer. My kids were teenagers and I had no one to lean on – it was just me and the stress was overwhelming. I spoke to my sister and told her how stressed I was. She told me to call her to vent anytime and said “Just pretend I’m mom.”<br /><br />• “My husband was terminally ill and my two sisters and their husbands were flying in from out of town for the day so they could see him one last time. My colleagues wanted to help out so they provided lunch - a platter of sandwiches and drinks. It made the day so much easier.”<br /><br />• “My baby died eight months into my pregnancy. My good friend accompanied me to the hospital where they induced labor. Every year on that date, she sends me a bouquet of flowers.”<br /><br />• “When my mother-in-law passed away, my daughter’s three roommates drove from college to pay their respects at her wake. They then had to drive back for classes the next day. They did this for my daughter and their ‘honorary parents.’ That was seven years ago and I have never forgotten the gesture.”<br /><br /><a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store"><img src="http://api.ning.com/files/TggkM6Ft7qdkQLVRceTw8bSTi0k38LYCWLg02M2*-snUHckSi7fkx-tCPjwMJCuRrzeE5qswyhiJ8opdKP5c-17KmS4*BWFk/Illnessborder130x199.jpg" alt="" width="130" height="199" style="float: right;"/></a><i>Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say</a>, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">Click here to order</a>.</i>Robbie Kaplanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15813801846955334293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8229975352255323111.post-20956600458895336662009-11-23T08:06:00.000-08:002010-06-25T09:33:53.551-07:00Jewish rituals of mourningWhen a death occurs in the Jewish faith, there are very specific rituals concerning burial and mourning that provide comfort to the bereaved as well as a framework for what to say and do.<br /><br />It is custom for burials to take place as soon as possible, usually within twenty-four hours, but no longer than two days following the death. An exception is made only if immediate family must travel long distances. All aspects of the funeral are as simple as possible. There is no wake or viewing and the casket remains closed. Traditionally, there are no flowers at the funeral or memorial service and it’s not appropriate to send the bereaved flowers; flowers are considered for the living. Condolence messages and donations are welcome at any time following the funeral.<br /><br />Mourners typically have a small symbolic tear to their clothes, called a Keriah, to represent a broken heart. The family will sit Shiva for seven days following the funeral. During Shiva, family members and friends congregate at the home of the bereaved to comfort the mourners. It’s customary to bring food, such as, baked goods, fruit, or meals. When visiting the bereaved, give your condolences and then wait for the mourner to talk about whatever he or she chooses. If the mourner wants to be silent, the visitor’s role is just to be with them; your presence is what’s important.<br /><br />The family will continue to observe mourning during Sh’loshim, a period of twenty-one days, the three weeks following Shiva. Visits by friends during Sh’loshim are particularly welcome as condolence visits have slowed down and mourners might feel especially isolated.<br /><br />Families will observe Yahrtzeit each year at the anniversary of their loved one’s death. On the loved one’s Yahrtzeit, a candle that will burn for twenty-four hours is lit while prayers are said. The family might attend Shabbat services where their loved one will be remembered during Yahrtzeit prayers.<br /><br /><a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store"><img src="http://api.ning.com/files/TggkM6Ft7qdkQLVRceTw8bSTi0k38LYCWLg02M2*-snUHckSi7fkx-tCPjwMJCuRrzeE5qswyhiJ8opdKP5c-17KmS4*BWFk/Illnessborder130x199.jpg" alt="" width="130" height="199" style="float: right;"/></a><i>Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say</a>, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">Click here to order</a>.</i>Robbie Kaplanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15813801846955334293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8229975352255323111.post-2231738196807597242009-11-04T16:18:00.000-08:002010-06-25T09:35:20.662-07:00Making contact with the bereavedWhile in my twenties, a close friend’s mom died. My friend shared the time and place of the visitation and yet I chose not to attend. I had good excuses; I was living in a large city and was unfamiliar with the part of town where the visitation was held. Also, my faith does not hold visitations and I had no idea what to expect. I chose to write a condolence note and I stayed away. The day after the visitation, before my note arrived, my friend called. During our conversation, she told me that an acquaintance from work had showed up at the visitation. She shared that even though they weren’t friends, she had embraced her warmly and was so glad to see her.<br /><br />This experience taught me the importance of making that initial connection with friends and loved ones following a death. It’s like breaking the ice in any situation; it may feel very awkward at first, but once you make contact, communication becomes easier. For example, a few years ago, a member of my congregation experienced a terrible loss. Several weeks after his wife’s death, I saw him sitting alone before services. I approached him and gave him a hug and told him how sorry I was for his loss. When I returned to my seat, other members of the congregation followed my lead. It seemed as if they needed someone to show them that it was okay to make contact.<br /><br />So how do you break the ice? And is it always okay to give a hug? If you are physically nearby, show your support by attending the visitation, the funeral or memorial service, and the reception. And speak to the bereaved. If the family is accepting visitors at home, pay your respects. If you are uncertain about whether it’s appropriate to give a hug, it might be best to ask, “Is it okay to give you a hug?” as not everyone is receptive. Condolence messages, whether by card or note, as well as donations are always appreciated.<br /><br />But what if you are neither nearby nor close to the bereaved? It’s still appropriate to write a note or send a card. And if you’d like to remember the deceased with a donation, that’s okay too.<br /><br />Once you’ve broken the ice, your support in the days ahead will be welcome. You might make a phone call, just to say hello and let them know you’re thinking of them. If they don’t answer the phone, leave a short message. E-mail is also a great way to keep in touch.<br /><br />It’s very caring to offer to bring lunch or dinner, or visit the bereaved. We sometimes shy away from visiting because we know the bereaved are very sad. But visits should be short and all that is really required from you is companionship. The most helpful thing you can do is to let the bereaved know you care, and then listen, allowing them to guide the conversation. It’s not your job to distract them from their grief. If they’d like to talk, listen. And if they don’t want to talk, just sit and keep them company. Your presence is all that’s needed.<br /><br /><a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store"><img src="http://api.ning.com/files/TggkM6Ft7qdkQLVRceTw8bSTi0k38LYCWLg02M2*-snUHckSi7fkx-tCPjwMJCuRrzeE5qswyhiJ8opdKP5c-17KmS4*BWFk/Illnessborder130x199.jpg" alt="" width="130" height="199" style="float: right;"/></a><i>Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say</a>, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">Click here to order</a>.</i>Robbie Kaplanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15813801846955334293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8229975352255323111.post-74309539291853435142009-10-26T16:44:00.000-07:002010-06-25T09:35:58.124-07:00What not to doA young woman who was eight months pregnant gave birth to a stillborn baby. Overcome with grief, she called her supervisor at work and requested he notify her colleagues by e-mail so she wouldn’t have to individually tell her devastating news. It seemed a simple request, but when she returned to work, she learned her supervisor did not notify her colleagues and they were each stunned when she painfully shared the news. Not knowing what to say or do, they avoided her and she felt shunned and alone in her grief. After a few months, she quit her job and left the organization.<br /><br />Afraid to say the wrong thing, many people stay away. But it’s important to understand how our actions, or lack of action, impact the loss that friends, family members, colleagues, and community members are experiencing.<br /><br />What should you not do?<br /><br />· Don’t stay away.<br /><br />· Don’t avoid returning phone calls from the bereaved.<br /><br />· Don’t refuse the bereaved when you are asked to help.<br /><br />· Don’t disregard family wishes for donations and make them instead to your pet cause.<br /><br />· Don’t avoid communicating difficult news, placing the burden on the bereaved.<br /><br />· Don’t ask the bereaved to do something for you when they can barely take care of themselves.<br /><br />· Don’t ask the bereaved for details.<br /><br />· Don’t ask for a possession of the deceased or ask for something back that you’d given them.<br /><br />· Don’t pay a visit and expect to be fed or entertained.<br /><br />· Don’t expect the bereaved to reciprocate your kindness – this is one of those occasions when someone, when they are ready, will pay it forward.<br /><br /><a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store"><img src="http://api.ning.com/files/TggkM6Ft7qdkQLVRceTw8bSTi0k38LYCWLg02M2*-snUHckSi7fkx-tCPjwMJCuRrzeE5qswyhiJ8opdKP5c-17KmS4*BWFk/Illnessborder130x199.jpg" alt="" width="130" height="199" style="float: right;"/></a><i>Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say</a>, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">Click here to order</a>.</i>Robbie Kaplanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15813801846955334293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8229975352255323111.post-39801819903347725902009-10-05T05:59:00.000-07:002010-06-25T09:37:56.997-07:00How to make memorial donationsWe honor the deceased by making donations in their memory. Many obituaries designate a charity or fund selected by the family, but what if the organization is one you’d prefer not to support or worse, in conflict with your values? Do you donate anyway or ignore the family’s request, making a donation to a charity or cause you support? And what if there is no indication of where to donate? How do you choose something appropriate?<br /><br />Ask yourself, "Why am I making a donation?" Is it to both honor the deceased and bring comfort to their family? If so, then make a donation to the designated organization. If it’s an organization you would not normally support, you can give the minimal donation. If you want to ensure that a specific individual is notified of the donation, indicate who the donation is for and who you want the acknowledgment sent to, providing that person’s address. Otherwise, you risk that another family member who doesn’t know you might be notified of the donation.<br /><br />If you do not know the bereaved family and would like to honor the deceased by supporting a cause you find meaningful, I believe it is fine to make your own choice. You are the one that will find comfort knowing your donation in the deceased’s memory will make a difference.<br /><br />When no one has indicated where to make a donation, then the choice is up to you. Did the deceased have a passion for nature, the environment, the arts, or humanity? If you’re uncertain, it’s often most appropriate to honor someone’s memory through a donation that helps someone in need. Many people find comfort knowing that those less fortunate will benefit so think in terms of food banks, the homeless, or other helping organizations.<br /><br />Whatever you choose to do, honoring the deceased by helping others is a caring thing to do. <br /><a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store"><img src="http://api.ning.com/files/TggkM6Ft7qdkQLVRceTw8bSTi0k38LYCWLg02M2*-snUHckSi7fkx-tCPjwMJCuRrzeE5qswyhiJ8opdKP5c-17KmS4*BWFk/Illnessborder130x199.jpg" alt="" width="130" height="199" style="float: right;"/></a><i>Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say</a>, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">Click here to order</a>.</i>Robbie Kaplanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15813801846955334293noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8229975352255323111.post-28036313517320608922009-09-24T08:10:00.000-07:002010-06-25T09:38:35.248-07:00The importance of empathy<div align="justify">The words sympathy and empathy are often thought to be the same, and yet they are distinct expressions.<br /><br /></div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify">In times of death, we often extend sympathy by sharing our sorrow for what’s happened. Sympathy cards are usually synonymous with condolence messages. When offering sympathy, we’re expressing concern for another’s feelings. Cards, notes, phone calls, e-mails, meals, and offers of assistance are all expressions of sympathy.<br /><br /></div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify"></div><div align="justify">But you don’t offer empathy, you feel it. Empathy is the act of putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. It’s trying to imagine, “How would I feel if this happened to me?” And it’s the ability to act on those feelings. When being empathetic, we extend our concern by offering compassion so the bereaved feels validated; that someone has a sense of what has happened and how they might be feeling.</div><br /><div align="justify">I think it’s easier to extend sympathy. We all know to attend the funeral, participate in mourning rites, send a card, make a donation, and keep in touch. Empathy is harder; it’s taking the time to think carefully while trying to understand how you might feel if this happened to you and what might bring you comfort. </div><br /><div align="justify">Listening is a good example of empathy and we all know how difficult it is to simply pay close attention and listen, without adding our personal feelings or thoughts. It takes patience to hear the same story over and over again but it is an empathetic and meaningful thing to do. </div><br /><div align="justify">When I think back to some of the comments that others have shared, it’s easy to discern the differences. One mother wrote that at her child’s funeral, she sat all by herself at the funeral with her surviving child; everyone else sat behind. If someone had taken a seat next to her, that would have been empathetic. Another wrote that she had to make all the arrangements for her father’s funeral and reception by herself. Relatives weren’t happy with what she planned and complained to her at a time of painful loss; empathetic folks would have helped and those that couldn’t would have accepted what she was capable of doing and extended comfort.</div><br />We’ll all experience loss – would you prefer someone extend you sympathy or empathy?<br /><br /><a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store"><img src="http://api.ning.com/files/TggkM6Ft7qdkQLVRceTw8bSTi0k38LYCWLg02M2*-snUHckSi7fkx-tCPjwMJCuRrzeE5qswyhiJ8opdKP5c-17KmS4*BWFk/Illnessborder130x199.jpg" alt="" width="130" height="199" style="float: right;"/></a><i>Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say</a>, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">Click here to order</a>.</i>Robbie Kaplanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15813801846955334293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8229975352255323111.post-3808279652070678672009-09-15T12:44:00.000-07:002010-06-25T09:39:08.839-07:00Helping a child deal with lossI saw Billy Crystal in his one-man show “700 Sundays” and was deeply touched by his personal story. He relates how his father’s untimely death at age 54, when Crystal was 15, set him apart from his peers and forever changed him. He tells of looking in the mirror shortly after his father’s death and seeing a man instead of a 15-year old.<br /><br />Crystal’s story resonated with me because I share the same legacy; I was 11-years old when I too lost my 54-year old father. When Crystal relates the burden of loss by saying it felt as if he pushed a boulder through adolescence, his description made sense to me. He also relates how isolating it felt to be so different when you’re a child because it’s rare to find other peers that share a similar loss.<br /><br />So what can you do to help a grieving child? You can ask, “How are you doing?” It might be just the opening for them to share their feelings and experience. In Crystal’s case, his coach in high school asked him this question; for Crystal, it was a welcome question and the first time he truly opened up with someone and shared what was going on in his life.<br /><br />If you do make an overture to a child and they seem unwilling to share, you might tell them that you’ll make yourself available to listen in the future, and let them know how to reach out to you. And there’s nothing wrong in your checking back with them from time to time.<br /><br />My mom was overwhelmed with work, her four children, and her own grief after my father’s death; she just didn’t have time to sit with us and ask how we were doing. I’m not sure that I would have burdened her with the truth anyway. But if a family friend, relative, or teacher had taken the time to seek me out, I would have welcomed the opportunity to voice my feelings and fears.<br /><br /><a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store"><img src="http://api.ning.com/files/TggkM6Ft7qdkQLVRceTw8bSTi0k38LYCWLg02M2*-snUHckSi7fkx-tCPjwMJCuRrzeE5qswyhiJ8opdKP5c-17KmS4*BWFk/Illnessborder130x199.jpg" alt="" width="130" height="199" style="float: right;"/></a><i>Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say</a>, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">Click here to order</a>.</i>Robbie Kaplanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15813801846955334293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8229975352255323111.post-11287576550396405062009-08-19T12:48:00.000-07:002010-06-25T09:40:44.767-07:00Five ways to help re-establish routinesWhen you’ve lost a loved one, the world as you knew it has changed forever. You lose your bearings, relationships change, and routines shift. Nothing feels right and the unfamiliarity is an uncomfortable reminder that life won’t ever be the same.<br /><br />Most of us cherish the regularity of our lives and it’s our daily routines that give structure to our days. One of the most helpful things you can do for someone grieving a loss is to help them re-establish routines.<br /><br />1. Offer to bring milk and bread every Monday or a rotisserie chicken each Wednesday, creating order to the week.<br /><br />2. When there are children, offer to drive them to their activities or create a new carpool until the bereaved is ready to resume this task. Include the children in your own family activities so they stay engaged.<br /><br />3. If the bereaved volunteered once a week or every other week, offer to take their place for the first month or two. Then, suggest you drive them or accompany them as they return to their volunteer activities.<br /><br />4. Establish new routines that promote well being and engage the mind such as a Tuesday morning walk, a weekly exercise class, or a monthly book group.<br /><br />5. Suggest you make a weekly or monthly date for coffee, breakfast, lunch, or dinner, always at the same food establishment and at the same time.<br /><br />It takes patience to help someone who is sad, lost, and struggling. But it’s your helpfulness that can really make a difference, gently moving the bereaved back into their daily lives.<br /><br /><a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store"><img src="http://api.ning.com/files/TggkM6Ft7qdkQLVRceTw8bSTi0k38LYCWLg02M2*-snUHckSi7fkx-tCPjwMJCuRrzeE5qswyhiJ8opdKP5c-17KmS4*BWFk/Illnessborder130x199.jpg" alt="" width="130" height="199" style="float: right;"/></a><i>Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say</a>, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">Click here to order</a>.</i>Robbie Kaplanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15813801846955334293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8229975352255323111.post-40491639945345547752009-08-11T12:50:00.000-07:002010-06-25T09:41:14.250-07:00Where do we draw the line on questions?<div align="justify">The Washington Post recently published an article about their obituary desk. Their policy is to write an obituary for anyone who has lived in the Washington, DC area for at least twenty uninterrupted years or, more years lived in the Washington, DC area than elsewhere. But here’s the hitch; they won’t publish an obituary if the family won’t share the cause of death or detail the marital history of the deceased or criminal convictions.</div><br />I found that interesting in lieu of the blog posting a few weeks back on what’s inappropriate to ask. Where do we draw the line on what’s too personal and what’s not?<br /><br />When a loved one dies, it’s shocking, whether we’re prepared or not. Pain runs deep and it really is no time for questions. Some of us might be very willing to share details, for it’s in the telling that we begin to grasp our loss. But for some of us, the details are very personal, and we’re careful with whom we share our most intimate experiences and thoughts.<br /><br />Sadly, it’s often the truly inappropriate things that people say that stick with us. For me, it was a friend that asked the week after my mother died, “Do you think she knew she was dying?” The question shocked me, but angered me too. Her insensitivity forced me to consider something that was terribly painful.<br /><br />You might ask yourself some questions before doing the questioning: “What information am I looking for?” and “Why is it important for me to know?” “How might the bereaved feel when I ask this question?” and “Am I helping or hurting?” And, most importantly, “How would I feel if someone asked me this question after I lost my loved one?”<br /><br />Keep in mind that loss is terribly painful and in the midst of all the pain, the bereaved might not be ready to think about or deal with the answers to your questions. Instead of asking, offer - comfort and support.<br /><br /><a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store"><img src="http://api.ning.com/files/TggkM6Ft7qdkQLVRceTw8bSTi0k38LYCWLg02M2*-snUHckSi7fkx-tCPjwMJCuRrzeE5qswyhiJ8opdKP5c-17KmS4*BWFk/Illnessborder130x199.jpg" alt="" width="130" height="199" style="float: right;"/></a><i>Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say</a>, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">Click here to order</a>.</i>Robbie Kaplanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15813801846955334293noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8229975352255323111.post-42761777736554201592009-08-05T10:00:00.000-07:002010-06-25T09:41:58.208-07:00Why is it so hard to listen?Two of my friends are great listeners; one says it’s because she’s the middle child and the other because she’s the eldest. Well, I’m a good listener too and I’m the youngest. So there goes the birth order theory.<br /><br />So what makes a good listener? Most important, the willingness to keep quiet while someone else speaks. But it’s not just listening that’s important; it’s being attentive and present. In this era of multi-tasking, it’s hard to concentrate on just one thing and keep your hands still. And yet if you’re really going to listen, you need to pay attention to what is said, making nonverbal gestures as well as verbal acknowledgements so the speaker understands that you’re following and encouraging the conversation.<br /><br />Listening is not an innate ability; it’s a skill. And like any skill, it takes lots of practice to perfect. So why not start? Choose a coffee or lunch date and ask “How are you doing?” Then plan to listen. Ask questions that encourage conversation and focus your attention on the other person. Hopefully, it feels good to be a listener and you’ll try it again – soon.<br /><br /><a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store"><img src="http://api.ning.com/files/TggkM6Ft7qdkQLVRceTw8bSTi0k38LYCWLg02M2*-snUHckSi7fkx-tCPjwMJCuRrzeE5qswyhiJ8opdKP5c-17KmS4*BWFk/Illnessborder130x199.jpg" alt="" width="130" height="199" style="float: right;"/></a><i>Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say</a>, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">Click here to order</a>.</i>Robbie Kaplanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15813801846955334293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8229975352255323111.post-44126083791469133172009-07-21T13:44:00.000-07:002010-06-25T09:59:02.326-07:00How to be supportive after a miscarriageSusan is in her sixties with four grown children that have brought her great joy. Yet she still feels the sting of a hurtful comment made after her miscarriage decades ago. Susan painfully recounts how a friend expressed no sympathy but asked, “Do you know what caused it?”<br /><br />Like Susan, Melanie carries a deep hurt from comments after her miscarriage. One friend who also miscarried told her, “My baby lived 19 weeks while yours only lived five.” Melanie wonders, “Should my grief be less painful than my friend's because my baby died earlier in the pregnancy?”<br /><br />Susan and Melanie aren’t alone. Medical professionals, friends, and family members often feel awkward following a miscarriage. And yet a miscarriage is a death in the family and should be treated as such.<br /><br />Just because a baby died before its birth doesn’t mean it wasn’t deeply loved, cherished, and wanted. Parents might have already learned the baby’s sex, selected a name, planned the nursery, or bought items for the baby.<br /><br />So what should you say or do? Stick to the basics. Express your sympathy the same way you would for any other death: in person, by phone, or in a note. Communicate how sorry you are for the loss and let them know that you’re hoping their dreams will come true. Send flowers if that’s what you would normally do or offer to bring a meal. Parents with other children might appreciate some help with childcare while they take care of doctor appointments, errands, or just rest. It’s best to avoid sharing yours or other’s miscarriage experiences; it’s not going to make them feel better and isn’t that what you’d like to do?<br /><a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store"><img src="http://api.ning.com/files/TggkM6Ft7qdkQLVRceTw8bSTi0k38LYCWLg02M2*-snUHckSi7fkx-tCPjwMJCuRrzeE5qswyhiJ8opdKP5c-17KmS4*BWFk/Illnessborder130x199.jpg" alt="" width="130" height="199" style="float: right;"/></a><i>Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say</a>, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">Click here to order</a>.</i>Robbie Kaplanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15813801846955334293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8229975352255323111.post-54872906252659130182009-07-13T13:53:00.000-07:002010-06-25T09:59:47.478-07:00Is it ever appropriate to question the bereaved?When you learn there’s been a death, what’s your first response? Do you share your condolences with the bereaved and express your sadness, or, do you ask a question? A reader shares her experience that when someone has died, one of the first responses is often a question: “How did they die?”<br /><br />No matter how well meaning, does it really matter how someone died? Does it change the way you should respond to the death? Maybe the question “how” is not one the bereaved wishes to discuss, and yet how does one gracefully navigate a conversation that might be intrusive when overwhelmed with grief? How someone died, whether by accident, terminal illness, unexpected death, violence, or suicide, shouldn’t change the way you respond to the news of the death. And it’s important to protect the privacy of the bereaved and not make them uncomfortable with intrusive questions.<br /><br />Are questions every appropriate when learning of a death? The only questions that might be appropriate are: “Can you tell me where I can get information on the funeral, memorial service, or visitation?” “Is the family accepting visitors?” “Can I bring a dinner?” “Where can I make a donation in their memory?” Or, “Is there someone I can call to offer my help?”<br /><br />Feel free to share questions that you have felt inappropriate or, first responses that made you feel someone cared.<br /><br /><a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store"><img src="http://api.ning.com/files/TggkM6Ft7qdkQLVRceTw8bSTi0k38LYCWLg02M2*-snUHckSi7fkx-tCPjwMJCuRrzeE5qswyhiJ8opdKP5c-17KmS4*BWFk/Illnessborder130x199.jpg" alt="" width="130" height="199" style="float: right;"/></a><i>Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say</a>, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">Click here to order</a>.</i>Robbie Kaplanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15813801846955334293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8229975352255323111.post-30009972152204861702009-07-06T07:58:00.000-07:002010-06-25T10:00:24.390-07:00Speaking of the deceasedWhy do people avoid saying the name of the deceased? A friend facing the anniversary of her husband’s death was hurt that friends no longer said her husband’s name. She finally asked them why and they told her they were afraid his name would make her sad. She’s already sad that her husband died and she thinks about him all the time; she told her friends she’s like to talk about him, too.<br /><br />That reminded me of a story another friend shared. It was the anniversary of the death of her 21-year old neighbor. Although she remembered the date, she didn’t plan to send a card or call her friend because she didn’t want to remind her of her loss. I explained that her friend was thinking about her son all the time, especially on the anniversary of his death. If she were to reach out to her, she would make her friend feel not so alone in her grief.<br /><br />It can be awkward to broach the subject, but why not give it a try. Let a friend know that you think of “Peter,” her deceased spouse, every time you eat coffee ice cream, because you remember it was his favorite. Or around the anniversary of a neighbor’s daughter’s death, let them know that you’ll never forget “Lisa’s” wonderful smile. Or, share with someone in your life that something reminded you of “Tim” and just the thought of him made you feel good. You’ll make them feel good, too! <br /><br /><a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store"><img src="http://api.ning.com/files/TggkM6Ft7qdkQLVRceTw8bSTi0k38LYCWLg02M2*-snUHckSi7fkx-tCPjwMJCuRrzeE5qswyhiJ8opdKP5c-17KmS4*BWFk/Illnessborder130x199.jpg" alt="" width="130" height="199" style="float: right;"/></a><i>Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say</a>, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." <a target="blank" href="http://www.wordsthatcomfort.com/index.php/store">Click here to order</a>.</i>Robbie Kaplanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15813801846955334293noreply@blogger.com0