Comforting Words - When You Don't Know What To Say

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2010-06-14T15:04:00.000-07:00

Same comforting words but at a new address: www.wordsthatcomfort.com/.
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What not to wear to a funeral

2010-05-05T09:57:00.000-07:00

We live in a world where anything goes. And yet I’m still surprised at some of the things people wear; jeans and sweatshirts to church, shorts at a fine restaurant on a Saturday night, and flip flops for all occasions. But when it comes to funerals, most of us sense that there are some rules of protocol that should be followed.

A friend recently shared that she attended a funeral and was surprised that a teenage family member wore casual clothing and flip flops. I was surprised myself when attending a funeral at Arlington National Cemetery to see the thirty-year old daughter of the deceased wearing a bright and low cut dress that showed her cleavage. So it’s no wonder that those of us attending funerals might think, what should we wear?

We should dress in a way that shows respect so it’s safe to err on the conservative side and avoid bright colors, bright prints, and anything flashy or glittery. Stay away from the casual and opt for something on the dressier side. You don’t have to stick to black but choose darker or muted colors, such as, grays, dark blues, or browns. Women can wear pants, skirts, blouses, jackets, sweaters, or dresses, opting for a pulled together look. No sneakers, flip flops or too casual shoes. Men can wear slacks, sport jackets, or suits and appropriate footwear. The look you want is non obtrusive.

Funerals are not a time to be conspicuous; it’s a time to blend in with the other mourners.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

When memories are all we have

2010-04-14T11:51:00.000-07:00

My friend’s dad died several years ago but she thinks of him often; his golf hat and golf clubs are a constant reminder. She stores them where they’re visible and she smiles when she sees them. A cousin wore his dad’s coat the first winter following his father’s death and a friend found great comfort using her mom’s handbag while she grieved her death.

These stories made me think of my grandma. She was constantly in the kitchen and she always wore an apron. I wear an apron too and every time my hands reach behind me to tie the bow, I think of my grandma. And I’ve continued her legacy by giving every family member an apron.

These tangible reminders are what keep our loved ones close and a continued part of our lives. I was reminded of this when we celebrated my daughter’s birthday at a restaurant this week-end. All grown up, I was surprised she wanted us to sing the family birthday song. The song dates back to my mom’s camping days and my mom made it a part of our family’s celebrations; I’ve passed it on to mine. My husband, daughter and I tried to sing quietly, clinking our glasses on cue. I thought how special it was that my mother’s legacy is still very much a part of our lives and I have every confidence that my daughter will pass it on to another generation.

Here are some ways to keep your memories alive, not just for you but for generations to come:

1. Display photographs where you can see them often. And use them as a way to share a story with other family members and friends.
2. Prepare and integrate family recipes into your daily life and holidays and let everyone know their history.
3. Share copies of your loved one’s recipes. When I share a recipe from my mom, I always title it “Jean’s ***” and it always give me pleasure. And I have recipes in my personal cookbook that bear the name of my friends’ loved ones.
4. Use a family heirloom, such as a serving piece, at holiday time, reminding your family of its history and all the occasions it’s served.
5. Pass on family heirlooms to family members that will use and treasure both the item and the memory.
6. Tell stories and tell them often. Your personal stories will become part of your family’s history.
7. Copy documents and share them with other family members to preserve and cherish your loved ones.
8. Document personal history and memories, creating a written story to be passed down to generations to come.

When you need help

2010-03-31T04:56:00.000-07:00

In a perfect world, someone would assess the needs of individuals or families dealing with loss and put a plan in place where they would receive the support they need. Some religious institutions do this and some friends are organized enough to create a network to fulfill those needs. But what happens when the religious institution fails to support, family lives far away, and friends can’t coordinate a unified effort?

When someone faces a difficult loss, whose responsibility is it to communicate their needs? This question came up recently when a reader shared their complicated medical trauma that had them back and forth to another part of the country for treatment. Like many others, they chose to communicate with family and friends via a caring website where they posted journal entries. They requested no calls so without phone communication and direction, it was hard to figure out how to best help; most friends and family members resorted to cards and e-mail. They did notify their religious institution but no concrete help was offered. And while cards and e-mails are helpful, this family had some real needs that were not addressed.

So it got me thinking how you might handle this if you needed support and it wasn’t forthcoming. What if you let your religious institution know your circumstances and they offer no support. Do you call them and communicate some specific needs? And what about your friends? Do you call one trusted friend and give them a list of other friends and ask them to coordinate support?

I’ve heard amazing stories how neighbors and acquaintances pull together to help those in need. How community members solicit help from other members who don’t even know the family. How new bonds are created and networks formed when individuals seeking support are willing to communicate their needs and ask for help.

I know how difficult it is to ask for help when you are feeling so vulnerable. But when others truly don’t know what to do, it may be the time to step up and be specific about your needs. And if someone says they can’t help you, don’t be deterred. There are a lot of caring souls out there that may just need some direction. And we all know that it’s the supportive and caring gestures that bring comfort and facilitate the healing process.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Seasons of grief

2010-03-23T08:46:00.000-07:00

It’s wintertime for me. At the most dismal time of year, the birthdays of three special family members and the anniversaries of their deaths fall within a ten-week period. I used to think the weather made this time even gloomier until I read an essay that changed my thinking. The writer’s father died in July and the author recounts how, despite the sunshine and flowers, July is always a season of sadness for her.

So how do we cope with these seasons of grief? I’ve learned that there is no right or wrong way to work through it. Grief is so personal and unique and it’s influenced by our experience and relationships.

As the years have passed, I’ve handled these seasons differently, trying not to get mired in it. Sometimes I’ve keep busy, not just with my work, but with an active social life. Other times travel is a great distraction. I often try to focus on being productive so if I succumb to sadness, at least I feel a sense that I’m moving forward. Often, just living in the present and keeping an eye on the future helps.

But what I have learned over the years is that at some point, no matter how sad, it is essential for me to acknowledge my family members. I think of them on their birthdays, feeling my love for them and the gratitude that they were a part of my life. I light a candle for each of them on the anniversary of their deaths. The candle burns for twenty-four hours and as I move through my day, I glimpse the candle as I pass and it reminds me how their spirit continues to live on within me.

What I’ve found empowering is the knowledge that while I can’t change what has happened to me, I can control how I manage the experience. I can avoid it by burying myself or getting out of town. Or, I can acknowledge it and allow myself to recognize the gifts that were mine, no matter how fleeting. All of us have that power.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

What not to say after a suicide

2010-03-02T09:41:00.000-08:00

Suicide was back in the news this week after the tragic death of Marie Osmond’s eighteen-year old son. “Suicide survivors,” the bereaved whose loved one died by suicide, are often left to deal with guilt (could I have stopped it?); rejection (how could they choose death over me?); stigmatism by friends, loved ones, and society (their loved one chose death over life).

So what can you do when a friend or loved one experiences a death by suicide? You can provide nonjudgmental support to help your friend or loved one navigate what will be a complicated and prolonged bereavement.

1. Don’t stay away because you fear you’ll say the wrong thing. Instead, express your deepest condolences and share how sorry you are for the loss. If you knew the deceased, you can share what was so special about them and that you will miss them too.

2. Don’t think suicide should be treated any differently than any other death. Treat suicide survivors the same way you would treat anyone who is grieving the loss of a loved one.

3. Don’t use words and phrases to describe suicide in negative connotations. Avoid saying “committed suicide;” using the word “committed” implies a crime.

4. Don’t use language that implies the person who died by suicide was to blame. It’s inappropriate to say “killed themselves,” “ended their life” or, “they took their life by their own choice.”

5. Don’t ask questions. You can offer to listen confidentially, and leave it up to the bereaved to let you know if and when they’d like to talk.

Respecting a friend's request

2010-02-24T08:47:00.000-08:00

A reader wonders what they can do to support a friend who is terminally ill. The two had a close relationship but the friend moved away to be near family. The friend has gotten sicker, refused all requests to visit, and has become too weak to speak on the phone. It is feared that the end is near. The reader wonders, “Should I keep calling, requesting a visit, or, should I honor my friend’s request, even if I may never see them again?”

This is a painful dilemma. I often find it helpful if you can put yourself in the other person’s shoes. If you very ill and at this stage in your own life, would you want someone to honor your request? And if you do, that doesn't mean you have to stop caring.

Since the phone calls aren’t getting answered or returned, why not try reaching out in another way? It’s often special to receive something in the mail and you can write your thoughts directly to them. There are many benefits to this strategy; they'll hear from you and if they choose, they can re-read your letters at any time. You are respecting their privacy while reaching out to let them know they’re not alone. And you can always say “I understand your desire for privacy. Should you feel at any time you'd welcome a phone call or visit, I will respond as quickly as I can."

You might also reach out to the parents with a note. They are going through this experience with their son or daughter and they too could use support. Let them know you are thinking of them and would love to reach out and help in any way. Remind them that you've communicated to their son or daughter that you will come and support them, and you’re willing to do the same for them.

It's important to respect boundaries. The last thing you want to do at this point is make someone feel guilty for communicating their wishes. It's helpful to keep in perspective that as difficult as this is for you, it’s even worse for your friend and their parents.

Cooking up some comfort

2010-02-16T08:50:00.000-08:00

We had a lot of snow last week, three feet deep. With no place to go, it seemed an opportune time to try my hand at something I’d wanted to do for the last nine years; attempt to make my mom’s stuffed cabbage recipe.

My mom called herself a short order cook and one of her favorite ways to comfort was something homemade from her kitchen. I was a lucky recipient and every time we visited, she prepared three of my favorite recipes. Why would I bother to cook them myself when she was so willing? Much to my regret, I neither learned her techniques nor recorded exact ingredients or oven temperatures. So trying to duplicate them became a challenge.

In the months following my mom’s death, I decided to bake her date and nut bread. My kitchen island resembled a test kitchen as I measured, weighed, and recorded numerous attempts. After weeks, I finally mastered it. But the stuffed cabbage recipe was missing the oven temperature, cooking times, and exact ingredients and I just didn’t want to tarnish such a delicious memory. And so I put it off.

Last week, I had plenty of time. I searched online to find a recipe with similar ingredients but clearer instructions and amazingly, I found one. I put both of the recipes together and cleared the kitchen island. To my advantage, I actually have the roaster my mom used for the recipe; so confident was she that I would take the mantle that she mailed it to me just three months before her death.

The toughest job was the cabbage; no matter how much hot water, the leaves were hard to separate, and I struggled. I remembered her thinning out the membrane and despite my best efforts, the leaves were still hard to roll. I worked through the entire morning and when the cabbage rolls were finally nestled in the roaster, they looked just like I remembered. And when they started to bake, the house filled with a wonderful aroma. And much to my surprise, with thanks to the online recipe, it looked and tasted just like my mom’s.

In the years since my mom’s death, I have seen so many of her qualities in myself. And it always gives me such warmth to know that she lives on in me. And now I can add stuffed cabbage to my list of accomplishments. Will I make them again? Maybe; when I find myself snowed in with a few feet of snow!

How to honor a friend

2010-02-09T10:37:00.000-08:00

It’s been almost five years since my friend Betsy died. She left a big void in my life as we had one of those rare friendships where we were truly like family.

Betsy had a form of cancer that did not respond to post surgical treatment so I learned not to take our friendship for granted. For several years, I worried about Betsy and always asked how she was doing. Finally, she told me she had stopped worrying about the cancer; she considered it a period where she was sick and now she was well. And so I too finally stopped worrying about her cancer.

Ten years later, the cancer came back. She and her family fought hard and found a medical center willing to try a new surgical procedure and for awhile, it seemed as if Betsy won another round. But the joy was short-lived as the cancer spread and her life was once again tenuous. Betsy’s death was a shock as we all believed her monumental spirit was too strong to crush.

I think of Betsy often, and not just on the anniversary of her death. While I’ve had many friends in my lifetime, none have had a greater influence on me. And when I think of Betsy, I think of honoring our friendship and her memory.

I fear that sometimes we get so caught up in our losses that we forget about the living. I spend so much time keeping in touch with friends and family members dealing with loss that I sometimes forget about those doing well. This year and this week, I’m going to try something new. I’m going to get in touch with my friends, just to let them know that I’m thinking of them, and how much I appreciate and value their friendship.

This is a good week to let those you care about know you care. And thank them for being a part of your life.

Being supportive from afar

2010-01-26T13:17:00.000-08:00

Is distance preventing you from supporting a friend or loved one dealing with illness or death? Do you wonder, “How can I be supportive when I live far away?” Or, have you concluded it is too difficult to support someone from a distance and think, “I wish I lived closer so I can be supportive.”

There’s much you can do to show support from afar, and you can still make a difference in helping loved ones deal with loss. What you choose to do depends on your willingness to be involved and the needs or desires of your loved one.

Here are some ideas of what’s worked for others:

1. Take your cues on telephone calls as they may disturb both privacy and routines. Ask, “Is it okay if I call on Sunday? What would be a good time?” And then make sure you do call so they’re not waiting and disappointed.

2. If it’s okay to call, you might choose a day of the week and a specific time, checking in weekly to let them know they are in your thoughts.

3. If they prefer you not call, use email as a way to communicate. It’s not intrusive and it allows the recipient to read and respond at their leisure. And it also lets them know they are not forgotten.

4. Ask if there’s something specific you can do to help; you can conduct online research or ask for a contact list so you can call others with updates.

5. Mail a package of goodies every other week or once a month. You can get a small, flat rate box from the postal service and fill it with homemade cookies or other treats.

6. Ask if there is a favorite take-out food outlet. If so, buy a gift card for a dinner and its one less night they have to worry about a meal.

The effort you make will mean so much to someone feeling so alone. And you’ll feel good in the process.

You can’t hurry grief

2010-01-19T06:25:00.000-08:00

I thought I knew everything there was to know about grief. After all, I’d faced some terrible losses by my early thirties. And yet my mom’s death really shook me. The grief and sense of loss was devastating and I found it incredibly hard to pull myself together that first year.

From my experience, I’ve learned that every loss is different and one loss doesn’t necessarily prepare you for the next. Unlike other life experiences, the more practice you have doesn’t make you any more competent at coping nor does it make it easier. Grief isn’t like any other life event. It doesn’t matter how many times you go through it; each time is unique and each loss leaves a different void in your life.

That’s just one good reason to never say to the bereaved, “I know how you feel.” Because you can’t possibly know how someone feels; just because you lost a mother, a child, or a spouse, your loss was unique to you. None of us knows the personal history or relationship that’s part of the loss and grieving process.

Each of us grieves in our own time and in our own way. And if you are to heal, you must fully grieve. It’s hard to see someone in so much pain and I think that’s the reason many people shy away from the bereaved. But you can’t hurry someone through the mourning process. What you can do is be a friend. Stay the course, listen when they need to talk, and remain by their side. Isn’t that what you’ll want someone to do for you?

Should you respond to inappropriate comments?

2010-01-13T04:34:00.000-08:00

You would think that medical professionals, of all people, would be sensitive when dealing with loss. And while I know that many aren’t comfortable with the topic, I’m still astonished at some of the callous and insensitive things that have been said to patients.

A reader recently shared that her husband took his life. When she told her doctor, he asked, “How did he do it?” When she told him he used helium gas, the doctor said, “Well at least he didn't leave you a mess to clean up.”

I wish this was an isolated instance, but it’s not. Another reader reports that when her baby died eight months into her pregnancy, the doctor that induced labor told her, “It’s for the best.”

Most of us are shocked into silence when told something truly inappropriate. But shouldn’t we say something to let the speaker know that their comments were hurtful? If we say nothing, aren’t we leaving the speaker to think that what they said was okay and then they’re liable to say another hurtful comment to someone else?

I have had my share of truly inappropriate comments and yet I have never told the speaker how their comments hurt. Is it appropriate to let someone know that their comment was inappropriate? Should we tell them in person or write a note in hope that they’ll be more tactful the next time they interact with someone experiencing loss?

I’d like to hear what you think and learn how others have handled this issue.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Making a difference in times of loss

2010-01-04T06:02:00.000-08:00

We’re often shocked and hurt by insensitive and inappropriate things people say and do. But lots of people get it right and seem to have a sixth sense when it comes supporting and comforting the bereaved. I’m going to start the New Year off on a positive note and share some of the real-life kindnesses you’ve reported to me:

• “In the year since my husband died, my daughter gives me a surprise every month on the anniversary of his death. It might be a candy bar on my pillow or a scarf on the front seat of my car. One month she was out of town and I found flowers on my dresser; she instructed her husband to come to the house on his lunch break so I would find something special when I returned from work. Her thoughtfulness has lightened my heart during this difficult year.”

• “My mother-in-law arrived a few minutes after I returned home from the hospital after my miscarriage. I told her I wasn’t up for entertaining. She told me to rest and she sat by my bed to keep me company. She said nothing all afternoon, just sat by my bed. It was the nicest and most caring thing she’s ever done for me.”

• “The year after my mother died, my husband had surgery for cancer. My kids were teenagers and I had no one to lean on – it was just me and the stress was overwhelming. I spoke to my sister and told her how stressed I was. She told me to call her to vent anytime and said “Just pretend I’m mom.”

• “My husband was terminally ill and my two sisters and their husbands were flying in from out of town for the day so they could see him one last time. My colleagues wanted to help out so they provided lunch - a platter of sandwiches and drinks. It made the day so much easier.”

• “My baby died eight months into my pregnancy. My good friend accompanied me to the hospital where they induced labor. Every year on that date, she sends me a bouquet of flowers.”

• “When my mother-in-law passed away, my daughter’s three roommates drove from college to pay their respects at her wake. They then had to drive back for classes the next day. They did this for my daughter and their ‘honorary parents.’ That was seven years ago and I have never forgotten the gesture.”

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Jewish rituals of mourning

2009-11-23T08:06:00.000-08:00

When a death occurs in the Jewish faith, there are very specific rituals concerning burial and mourning that provide comfort to the bereaved as well as a framework for what to say and do.

It is custom for burials to take place as soon as possible, usually within twenty-four hours, but no longer than two days following the death. An exception is made only if immediate family must travel long distances. All aspects of the funeral are as simple as possible. There is no wake or viewing and the casket remains closed. Traditionally, there are no flowers at the funeral or memorial service and it’s not appropriate to send the bereaved flowers; flowers are considered for the living. Condolence messages and donations are welcome at any time following the funeral.

Mourners typically have a small symbolic tear to their clothes, called a Keriah, to represent a broken heart. The family will sit Shiva for seven days following the funeral. During Shiva, family members and friends congregate at the home of the bereaved to comfort the mourners. It’s customary to bring food, such as, baked goods, fruit, or meals. When visiting the bereaved, give your condolences and then wait for the mourner to talk about whatever he or she chooses. If the mourner wants to be silent, the visitor’s role is just to be with them; your presence is what’s important.

The family will continue to observe mourning during Sh’loshim, a period of twenty-one days, the three weeks following Shiva. Visits by friends during Sh’loshim are particularly welcome as condolence visits have slowed down and mourners might feel especially isolated.

Families will observe Yahrtzeit each year at the anniversary of their loved one’s death. On the loved one’s Yahrtzeit, a candle that will burn for twenty-four hours is lit while prayers are said. The family might attend Shabbat services where their loved one will be remembered during Yahrtzeit prayers.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Making contact with the bereaved

2009-11-04T16:18:00.000-08:00

While in my twenties, a close friend’s mom died. My friend shared the time and place of the visitation and yet I chose not to attend. I had good excuses; I was living in a large city and was unfamiliar with the part of town where the visitation was held. Also, my faith does not hold visitations and I had no idea what to expect. I chose to write a condolence note and I stayed away. The day after the visitation, before my note arrived, my friend called. During our conversation, she told me that an acquaintance from work had showed up at the visitation. She shared that even though they weren’t friends, she had embraced her warmly and was so glad to see her.

This experience taught me the importance of making that initial connection with friends and loved ones following a death. It’s like breaking the ice in any situation; it may feel very awkward at first, but once you make contact, communication becomes easier. For example, a few years ago, a member of my congregation experienced a terrible loss. Several weeks after his wife’s death, I saw him sitting alone before services. I approached him and gave him a hug and told him how sorry I was for his loss. When I returned to my seat, other members of the congregation followed my lead. It seemed as if they needed someone to show them that it was okay to make contact.

So how do you break the ice? And is it always okay to give a hug? If you are physically nearby, show your support by attending the visitation, the funeral or memorial service, and the reception. And speak to the bereaved. If the family is accepting visitors at home, pay your respects. If you are uncertain about whether it’s appropriate to give a hug, it might be best to ask, “Is it okay to give you a hug?” as not everyone is receptive. Condolence messages, whether by card or note, as well as donations are always appreciated.

But what if you are neither nearby nor close to the bereaved? It’s still appropriate to write a note or send a card. And if you’d like to remember the deceased with a donation, that’s okay too.

Once you’ve broken the ice, your support in the days ahead will be welcome. You might make a phone call, just to say hello and let them know you’re thinking of them. If they don’t answer the phone, leave a short message. E-mail is also a great way to keep in touch.

It’s very caring to offer to bring lunch or dinner, or visit the bereaved. We sometimes shy away from visiting because we know the bereaved are very sad. But visits should be short and all that is really required from you is companionship. The most helpful thing you can do is to let the bereaved know you care, and then listen, allowing them to guide the conversation. It’s not your job to distract them from their grief. If they’d like to talk, listen. And if they don’t want to talk, just sit and keep them company. Your presence is all that’s needed.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

What not to do

2009-10-26T16:44:00.000-07:00

A young woman who was eight months pregnant gave birth to a stillborn baby. Overcome with grief, she called her supervisor at work and requested he notify her colleagues by e-mail so she wouldn’t have to individually tell her devastating news. It seemed a simple request, but when she returned to work, she learned her supervisor did not notify her colleagues and they were each stunned when she painfully shared the news. Not knowing what to say or do, they avoided her and she felt shunned and alone in her grief. After a few months, she quit her job and left the organization.

Afraid to say the wrong thing, many people stay away. But it’s important to understand how our actions, or lack of action, impact the loss that friends, family members, colleagues, and community members are experiencing.

What should you not do?

· Don’t stay away.

· Don’t avoid returning phone calls from the bereaved.

· Don’t refuse the bereaved when you are asked to help.

· Don’t disregard family wishes for donations and make them instead to your pet cause.

· Don’t avoid communicating difficult news, placing the burden on the bereaved.

· Don’t ask the bereaved to do something for you when they can barely take care of themselves.

· Don’t ask the bereaved for details.

· Don’t ask for a possession of the deceased or ask for something back that you’d given them.

· Don’t pay a visit and expect to be fed or entertained.

· Don’t expect the bereaved to reciprocate your kindness – this is one of those occasions when someone, when they are ready, will pay it forward.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

How to make memorial donations

2009-10-05T05:59:00.000-07:00

We honor the deceased by making donations in their memory. Many obituaries designate a charity or fund selected by the family, but what if the organization is one you’d prefer not to support or worse, in conflict with your values? Do you donate anyway or ignore the family’s request, making a donation to a charity or cause you support? And what if there is no indication of where to donate? How do you choose something appropriate?

Ask yourself, "Why am I making a donation?" Is it to both honor the deceased and bring comfort to their family? If so, then make a donation to the designated organization. If it’s an organization you would not normally support, you can give the minimal donation. If you want to ensure that a specific individual is notified of the donation, indicate who the donation is for and who you want the acknowledgment sent to, providing that person’s address. Otherwise, you risk that another family member who doesn’t know you might be notified of the donation.

If you do not know the bereaved family and would like to honor the deceased by supporting a cause you find meaningful, I believe it is fine to make your own choice. You are the one that will find comfort knowing your donation in the deceased’s memory will make a difference.

When no one has indicated where to make a donation, then the choice is up to you. Did the deceased have a passion for nature, the environment, the arts, or humanity? If you’re uncertain, it’s often most appropriate to honor someone’s memory through a donation that helps someone in need. Many people find comfort knowing that those less fortunate will benefit so think in terms of food banks, the homeless, or other helping organizations.

Whatever you choose to do, honoring the deceased by helping others is a caring thing to do.
Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

The importance of empathy

2009-09-24T08:10:00.000-07:00

The words sympathy and empathy are often thought to be the same, and yet they are distinct expressions.

In times of death, we often extend sympathy by sharing our sorrow for what’s happened. Sympathy cards are usually synonymous with condolence messages. When offering sympathy, we’re expressing concern for another’s feelings. Cards, notes, phone calls, e-mails, meals, and offers of assistance are all expressions of sympathy.

But you don’t offer empathy, you feel it. Empathy is the act of putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. It’s trying to imagine, “How would I feel if this happened to me?” And it’s the ability to act on those feelings. When being empathetic, we extend our concern by offering compassion so the bereaved feels validated; that someone has a sense of what has happened and how they might be feeling.

I think it’s easier to extend sympathy. We all know to attend the funeral, participate in mourning rites, send a card, make a donation, and keep in touch. Empathy is harder; it’s taking the time to think carefully while trying to understand how you might feel if this happened to you and what might bring you comfort.

Listening is a good example of empathy and we all know how difficult it is to simply pay close attention and listen, without adding our personal feelings or thoughts. It takes patience to hear the same story over and over again but it is an empathetic and meaningful thing to do.

When I think back to some of the comments that others have shared, it’s easy to discern the differences. One mother wrote that at her child’s funeral, she sat all by herself at the funeral with her surviving child; everyone else sat behind. If someone had taken a seat next to her, that would have been empathetic. Another wrote that she had to make all the arrangements for her father’s funeral and reception by herself. Relatives weren’t happy with what she planned and complained to her at a time of painful loss; empathetic folks would have helped and those that couldn’t would have accepted what she was capable of doing and extended comfort.

We’ll all experience loss – would you prefer someone extend you sympathy or empathy?

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Helping a child deal with loss

2009-09-15T12:44:00.000-07:00

I saw Billy Crystal in his one-man show “700 Sundays” and was deeply touched by his personal story. He relates how his father’s untimely death at age 54, when Crystal was 15, set him apart from his peers and forever changed him. He tells of looking in the mirror shortly after his father’s death and seeing a man instead of a 15-year old.

Crystal’s story resonated with me because I share the same legacy; I was 11-years old when I too lost my 54-year old father. When Crystal relates the burden of loss by saying it felt as if he pushed a boulder through adolescence, his description made sense to me. He also relates how isolating it felt to be so different when you’re a child because it’s rare to find other peers that share a similar loss.

So what can you do to help a grieving child? You can ask, “How are you doing?” It might be just the opening for them to share their feelings and experience. In Crystal’s case, his coach in high school asked him this question; for Crystal, it was a welcome question and the first time he truly opened up with someone and shared what was going on in his life.

If you do make an overture to a child and they seem unwilling to share, you might tell them that you’ll make yourself available to listen in the future, and let them know how to reach out to you. And there’s nothing wrong in your checking back with them from time to time.

My mom was overwhelmed with work, her four children, and her own grief after my father’s death; she just didn’t have time to sit with us and ask how we were doing. I’m not sure that I would have burdened her with the truth anyway. But if a family friend, relative, or teacher had taken the time to seek me out, I would have welcomed the opportunity to voice my feelings and fears.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Five ways to help re-establish routines

2009-08-19T12:48:00.000-07:00

When you’ve lost a loved one, the world as you knew it has changed forever. You lose your bearings, relationships change, and routines shift. Nothing feels right and the unfamiliarity is an uncomfortable reminder that life won’t ever be the same.

Most of us cherish the regularity of our lives and it’s our daily routines that give structure to our days. One of the most helpful things you can do for someone grieving a loss is to help them re-establish routines.

1. Offer to bring milk and bread every Monday or a rotisserie chicken each Wednesday, creating order to the week.

2. When there are children, offer to drive them to their activities or create a new carpool until the bereaved is ready to resume this task. Include the children in your own family activities so they stay engaged.

3. If the bereaved volunteered once a week or every other week, offer to take their place for the first month or two. Then, suggest you drive them or accompany them as they return to their volunteer activities.

4. Establish new routines that promote well being and engage the mind such as a Tuesday morning walk, a weekly exercise class, or a monthly book group.

5. Suggest you make a weekly or monthly date for coffee, breakfast, lunch, or dinner, always at the same food establishment and at the same time.

It takes patience to help someone who is sad, lost, and struggling. But it’s your helpfulness that can really make a difference, gently moving the bereaved back into their daily lives.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Where do we draw the line on questions?

2009-08-11T12:50:00.000-07:00

The Washington Post recently published an article about their obituary desk. Their policy is to write an obituary for anyone who has lived in the Washington, DC area for at least twenty uninterrupted years or, more years lived in the Washington, DC area than elsewhere. But here’s the hitch; they won’t publish an obituary if the family won’t share the cause of death or detail the marital history of the deceased or criminal convictions.

I found that interesting in lieu of the blog posting a few weeks back on what’s inappropriate to ask. Where do we draw the line on what’s too personal and what’s not?

When a loved one dies, it’s shocking, whether we’re prepared or not. Pain runs deep and it really is no time for questions. Some of us might be very willing to share details, for it’s in the telling that we begin to grasp our loss. But for some of us, the details are very personal, and we’re careful with whom we share our most intimate experiences and thoughts.

Sadly, it’s often the truly inappropriate things that people say that stick with us. For me, it was a friend that asked the week after my mother died, “Do you think she knew she was dying?” The question shocked me, but angered me too. Her insensitivity forced me to consider something that was terribly painful.

You might ask yourself some questions before doing the questioning: “What information am I looking for?” and “Why is it important for me to know?” “How might the bereaved feel when I ask this question?” and “Am I helping or hurting?” And, most importantly, “How would I feel if someone asked me this question after I lost my loved one?”

Keep in mind that loss is terribly painful and in the midst of all the pain, the bereaved might not be ready to think about or deal with the answers to your questions. Instead of asking, offer - comfort and support.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Why is it so hard to listen?

2009-08-05T10:00:00.000-07:00

Two of my friends are great listeners; one says it’s because she’s the middle child and the other because she’s the eldest. Well, I’m a good listener too and I’m the youngest. So there goes the birth order theory.

So what makes a good listener? Most important, the willingness to keep quiet while someone else speaks. But it’s not just listening that’s important; it’s being attentive and present. In this era of multi-tasking, it’s hard to concentrate on just one thing and keep your hands still. And yet if you’re really going to listen, you need to pay attention to what is said, making nonverbal gestures as well as verbal acknowledgements so the speaker understands that you’re following and encouraging the conversation.

Listening is not an innate ability; it’s a skill. And like any skill, it takes lots of practice to perfect. So why not start? Choose a coffee or lunch date and ask “How are you doing?” Then plan to listen. Ask questions that encourage conversation and focus your attention on the other person. Hopefully, it feels good to be a listener and you’ll try it again – soon.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

How to be supportive after a miscarriage

2009-07-21T13:44:00.000-07:00

Susan is in her sixties with four grown children that have brought her great joy. Yet she still feels the sting of a hurtful comment made after her miscarriage decades ago. Susan painfully recounts how a friend expressed no sympathy but asked, “Do you know what caused it?”

Like Susan, Melanie carries a deep hurt from comments after her miscarriage. One friend who also miscarried told her, “My baby lived 19 weeks while yours only lived five.” Melanie wonders, “Should my grief be less painful than my friend's because my baby died earlier in the pregnancy?”

Susan and Melanie aren’t alone. Medical professionals, friends, and family members often feel awkward following a miscarriage. And yet a miscarriage is a death in the family and should be treated as such.

Just because a baby died before its birth doesn’t mean it wasn’t deeply loved, cherished, and wanted. Parents might have already learned the baby’s sex, selected a name, planned the nursery, or bought items for the baby.

So what should you say or do? Stick to the basics. Express your sympathy the same way you would for any other death: in person, by phone, or in a note. Communicate how sorry you are for the loss and let them know that you’re hoping their dreams will come true. Send flowers if that’s what you would normally do or offer to bring a meal. Parents with other children might appreciate some help with childcare while they take care of doctor appointments, errands, or just rest. It’s best to avoid sharing yours or other’s miscarriage experiences; it’s not going to make them feel better and isn’t that what you’d like to do?
Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Is it ever appropriate to question the bereaved?

2009-07-13T13:53:00.000-07:00

When you learn there’s been a death, what’s your first response? Do you share your condolences with the bereaved and express your sadness, or, do you ask a question? A reader shares her experience that when someone has died, one of the first responses is often a question: “How did they die?”

No matter how well meaning, does it really matter how someone died? Does it change the way you should respond to the death? Maybe the question “how” is not one the bereaved wishes to discuss, and yet how does one gracefully navigate a conversation that might be intrusive when overwhelmed with grief? How someone died, whether by accident, terminal illness, unexpected death, violence, or suicide, shouldn’t change the way you respond to the news of the death. And it’s important to protect the privacy of the bereaved and not make them uncomfortable with intrusive questions.

Are questions every appropriate when learning of a death? The only questions that might be appropriate are: “Can you tell me where I can get information on the funeral, memorial service, or visitation?” “Is the family accepting visitors?” “Can I bring a dinner?” “Where can I make a donation in their memory?” Or, “Is there someone I can call to offer my help?”

Feel free to share questions that you have felt inappropriate or, first responses that made you feel someone cared.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Speaking of the deceased

2009-07-06T07:58:00.000-07:00

Why do people avoid saying the name of the deceased? A friend facing the anniversary of her husband’s death was hurt that friends no longer said her husband’s name. She finally asked them why and they told her they were afraid his name would make her sad. She’s already sad that her husband died and she thinks about him all the time; she told her friends she’s like to talk about him, too.

That reminded me of a story another friend shared. It was the anniversary of the death of her 21-year old neighbor. Although she remembered the date, she didn’t plan to send a card or call her friend because she didn’t want to remind her of her loss. I explained that her friend was thinking about her son all the time, especially on the anniversary of his death. If she were to reach out to her, she would make her friend feel not so alone in her grief.

It can be awkward to broach the subject, but why not give it a try. Let a friend know that you think of “Peter,” her deceased spouse, every time you eat coffee ice cream, because you remember it was his favorite. Or around the anniversary of a neighbor’s daughter’s death, let them know that you’ll never forget “Lisa’s” wonderful smile. Or, share with someone in your life that something reminded you of “Tim” and just the thought of him made you feel good. You’ll make them feel good, too!

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Re-directing celebrity grief

2009-06-30T08:21:00.000-07:00

I was in the checkout line when the clerk told me Michael Jackson (MJ) had just died at age fifty. I admit I was shocked and when I returned home, found everyone all a-Twitter with the news. The media’s obsession with MJ’s death was expected and we’ll be hearing about it for some time. But the online expressions of grief seemed excessive and practically shut down the Internet.

In the days since MJ’s death, I’ve seen crowds of people expressing grief with notes, flowers, balloons, stuffed animals, and vigils. I, too, can remember feeling sad when a news anchor or actor I enjoyed had died. I read the tributes and sometimes watched the specials, but I quickly moved on. Wasn’t it best to spend my time writing notes, sending flowers, and making visits to folks I knew or who were in my community that were grieving a loss?

I hear often from the bereaved that after the initial few weeks, when loss has truly hits, the calls and visits have tapered off and they feel sad and lonely. Can you imagine the positive impact if those embedded in celebrity grief would channel their efforts to the bereaved in their own communities?

While I recognize what a great loss this is to a community of fans, it does not have the personal connection to those within our own circle of friends and family that have lost loved ones.

Supporting the bereaved after suicide

2009-06-23T09:25:00.000-07:00

A member of my community took his life. It was a sudden and traumatic loss and while some people treated his widow with kindness, she shared that she was unprepared for the hurtful actions of others. For example, she saw a friend walking towards her one morning in our small town. The friend saw her too and she quickly crossed the street to avoid her. A colleague also shared a hurtful experience following the suicide of her physician brother. Though she was a child, she vividly remembers the sound of her neighbor’s shoes as she crossed their wooden porch. When her mother answered the loud knock, the neighbor asked, “Jean, how’d he do it?”

It’s shocking to hear that someone has taken their life but even more shocking to learn that people do not give the bereaved the same support they give for other deaths. Why should we shy away from someone who is grieving just because their loved one took their life? As one widow states, “My husband was a good man and lived a good life; he just chose to end it badly.”

When you learn that someone has died and the cause of death is suicide, please do the same things that you would do to comfort and support the bereaved. They’ll need your support now and for a long time to come. It’s just the right thing to do.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Lessons from my dad

2009-06-15T09:01:00.000-07:00

I see my mother everywhere. Though I never looked like her, I can now see a physical resemblance and so many of my qualities remind me of her. Not so for my dad. Everyone said I looked like him but I no longer can see the resemblance. I never had the good fortune to get to know him and he wasn’t part of my life long enough for me to emulate him in any way.

My father died when I was eleven. While his death was devastating, my mother dedicated herself to raising four independent children in a family-focused environment. She was an optimist, always telling us, “Something good comes out of everything.” Under her tutelage, I’ve spent my life looking for that silver lining.

So what lessons did I learn from my dad?

1. Life is short so I’ve learned to cram as much living as I can into each and every day.

2. Make good health a priority; if you don’t have your health, nothing else matters.

3. Let everyone you love know how much you love them every single day. Don’t ever assume that people know how you feel.

4. There’s no time like the present; don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today.

5. Live life with no regrets; if you want something, whether it’s a relationship, a job, an education, or a trip, go for it now.

6. Each day is a new day and a fresh start; live it with zest and seek new people and new experiences.

7. Celebrate and find your pleasure in the everyday moments in life, whether it’s that first cup of coffee, a walk with a friend, or the wonderful smells of dinner cooking.

This Father’s Day, I won’t be sad; I’ll remember all the lessons I learned from my dad.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Four ways to help a friend deal with grief

2009-06-03T12:51:00.000-07:00

How can you help a friend who’s numb with grief over the loss of a loved one and at times takes her anger out on you? You can help your friend deal with her grief with any of the following activities:

1. Physical activity is a wonderful way to channel anger and refocus. You and your friend might make a date to take a weekly walk together in the evening or sign up for an exercise class together. You might need to arrange to pick her up to make sure it happens.

2. Music and other artistic expressions can be helpful. Does your friend sing or play a musical instrument? Do you enjoy creative pursuits such as painting, pottery, or scrapbooking? You might make a date to work on a project together, something you’re both familiar with, or something new for you both to learn.

3. Sometimes the best way to help heal is to help others. When you can't seem to help yourself, seeing how your efforts can make a difference in someone else's life is very uplifting. Volunteering can be a wonderful distraction.

4. Your friend might need more than you to discuss her grief. Is there a community or religious organization that has a support group? You can do an online search to see what’s available in your area. Even if your friend is not a member of a specific faith, they might be very willing to have her attend.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Memorial Service Etiquette

2009-05-27T10:05:00.000-07:00

A reader shares: “My brother’s funeral was in another state and my immediate family was unable to attend. I’m coordinating a memorial service for him in our hometown. How can I make it appropriate for all in attendance who have many thoughts and religious beliefs?”

If you are holding a memorial service in a house of worship, you’ll need to check with the pastoral staff for guidance. But if you’re not holding the service in a house of worship, I believe you have a lot of flexibility in how you structure the service. It can be formal or informal, participants sitting in rows or a circle. One individual can lead the service or it can be participatory, for example, asking everyone in advance to prepare something to say if they would like to participate.

The point of a memorial service is to remember the deceased and it's often done with stories; funny and endearing, that depict their qualities and life. It is one last time for all of you to share the deceased, whether friend or family member. You can choose prayers or one prayer to say, either by clergy, yourself, or all together. The important point is to have a fitting memorial for your loved one so everyone can have some closure.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Spread some kindness today

2009-05-15T04:52:00.000-07:00

Do you have time to write a note today? I met someone who told me that once a week she sits at her desk and asks herself, “Who could use a note this week?” And then she writes one to someone who could use a dose of kindness.

In the frenzy to stay on top of things most of us find it difficult to find the time to write a note, no less figure out who could use some cheering up. But think how many spirits we’d lift if we all took the time this week to write one note to one person to let them know they’re not alone; that we’re thinking of them and wishing some sunshine their way. Can you find the time to do it? I’m going to do it right now.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

In memory of mom

2009-05-06T05:15:00.000-07:00

When friends and family faced tough times, my mom knew just what to do. She was a master at doling out comfort and her willingness to listen bonded many friendships. But it was her prowess as a baker that forged relationships. Whether someone was just home from the hospital or grieving a loss, my mom paid a visit, always with something baked from her kitchen.

So it’s no surprise that in the weeks following my mom’s death, I spent countless hours in the kitchen, trying to comfort myself in the same way my mom comforted everyone else. I wanted to master her date and nut bread recipe, the same bread she packed in my lunch when I was little and continued to bake for me every time we visited, whether my home or hers. The smell of date and nut bread baking warmed my heart and as much as I loved it, I had never made it myself.

And so I used the kitchen as an outlet for my grief, trying to decipher my mom’s cryptic recipe. I distracted myself with important questions: “How many tablespoons are there in an inch and a half of margarine?” And: “How many ounces of dates in a small box of dates? I kept baking breads until I finally filled my house with the same wonderful smells that conjured memories of mom.

Baking my mom’s date and nut bread was a way for me to hold her close. I still love to bake and when I want to nurture or console myself or others, I just head to the kitchen. Nowadays, it’s my hands that do the comforting.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Brighten someone’s life today

2009-04-29T05:22:00.000-07:00

Not too long ago, I met a thoughtful soul. She sat at her desk once a week and asked herself, “Who could use a note this week?” And then she wrote one. Sounds simple enough but when was the last time you wrote a note? Better yet, when was the last time you received one?

Years back, I stayed with my mom for a week while she recuperated. Mail delivery was one of the highlights of the day. I’d sift through and pull out the notes and cards and then read them out loud. That time of day made us both feel nurtured and less isolated.

It’s easy enough to pick up notes and cards and you may even have postcards left from your travels. How wonderful would it be if we all thought of one person that could use a lift this week and wrote them a message? You don’t need to vacillate on the content or length, just the thought is important. Your message can be as simple as “Thinking of you today and sending sunshine your way.” And that’s exactly the intention.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

What’s appropriate to share?

2009-04-14T13:38:00.000-07:00

When my cousin died many years ago, a poem she wrote about her herself, her husband and children was read at her funeral. My aunt had the poem written in calligraphy and gave me a copy for my birthday. Decades passed and my cousin’s children married and had children of their own. One day, I realized I no longer lingered to read the poem and wondered if my cousin’s daughter would better appreciate it. But I wasn’t sure if it would open old wounds so I wrote her a letter and asked if she’d like it. She did; she’s had it framed and she’s told me how happy she is that I passed it on to her.

I wasn’t so successful in trying to share something passed to me that really belonged to a distant cousin. I’ve learned that some people do not want tangible reminders of loss and, not everyone is left with loving and warm feelings when someone dies.

So what do you do with old photos, letters, scrapbooks, or memorabilia? If you want to pass them along to the bereaved, give some thought before taking action. I’ve found that many people are grateful for photographs that favorably portray their loved one. They might appreciate a letter that provides some inkling into feelings or experiences, again, on a positive note. These are the items that might bring the bereaved comfort during those early weeks and months.

Allow some time before offering scrapbooks, clothing, artwork, jewelry, or other household items. Consider communicating with them first, discussing an item that you think might be meaningful, describing it or sending a photo. Only offer if you are willing to pack it and pay for the shipping. And don’t take offense if they decide they don’t want your item; they might be overwhelmed with all the possessions they already have and might not want or need other items to sort through.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Leaving a message

2009-04-07T13:27:00.000-07:00

Someone who likes to keep in touch with the bereaved recently asked: “Is it appropriate when leaving a message to let them know it's okay for them not to return the call?” Does that message convey that he would rather not hear back from them? Or, as was his intent, did it take the pressure off the recipient to return the call?

Many of us like to keep in touch when those we care about are going through a difficult time. And yet it’s hard to time our phone calls to reach the recipient when they are receptive to a call. That’s where voice mail and e-mail play a crucial role in conveying our message.

I remember a time when I would return home only to find ten concerned messages on the answering machine. I appreciated the sentiment, but it was exhausting to answer all the calls. I was always appreciative when someone let me know that they were just checking in and it was fine if I didn’t call back. That way, I knew they cared and if I didn’t have the energy, it was okay not to return the call. E-mail offers the same advantages; it lets you keep in touch any day and at any time, and lets the recipient respond if and when it is convenient.

When leaving a message, I often say, “This is Robbie and I’m just checking in to let you know that I’m thinking of you. If you would like to give me a call back at a convenient time, that’s great. But it’s fine if you don’t return the call. I just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts. Take care.”

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Words from long ago warm the heart

2009-03-17T14:16:00.000-07:00

My daughter visited this week and when she arrived she had a twinkle in her eye. She extended her hand and there was a card I had never seen. “I found this while I was cleaning and it’s from Grandma,” she said.

I sat on the couch in front of the fire and opened the card. I’ve re-read notes and letters from my mom many times since her death, but this was a message I hadn’t read before. The note was written just four months before she died and as I began to read, I could feel her love and pride in this wonderful grandchild.

It was a special moment for me, a time to relish my mom’s words and feel her love anew. But it was something else; a time to appreciate the thoughtfulness and love of this wonderful daughter.

I’ve thought of the note many times in the days that followed. What strikes me most is the language of the note; it could have been written by me! I had no idea how fully I had adopted my mom’s style of writing, her words and expressions of love and care. And it made me feel so good to know that her spirit lives within me and that she’s so much a part of who I am, each and every day.

Years ago I found a card from an aunt who had passed away. When I visited my cousin, her son, I brought it with me as she had shared some personal information. I now understand why he was so happy to get the card. If you have a note or letter in your possession or something special from a loved one that has passed away, you might really make someone’s day by sharing it, whether the original or a copy. How wonderful that words from long ago can continue to warm our hearts.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Preparation is key

2009-03-12T05:38:00.000-07:00

When it comes to doing the right thing, even I make mistakes. This week, I accompanied my daughter to a funeral at Arlington National Cemetery. The funeral was a beautiful tribute to her friend’s dad and extremely memorable, in more ways than one.

The two of us did plan; what to wear, where to make a donation, and what time we should leave. Since we live in the Washington, DC metro area and rush hour is terrible, my daughter suggested we leave at 7 AM and take the metro; it seemed like a good idea as there’s a metro stop right at Arlington National Cemetery.

We arrived promptly and right at the entrance. We asked the security guard how to get to the chapel and he was shocked we were on foot. He explained the chapel was a two-mile walk, all uphill. He pointed to a line of cars behind a hearse and suggested we ask someone for a ride.

A couple was happy to offer us a ride. After driving in the processional, we spotted an Army bus by the chapel and my daughter assumed they would shuttle us to the burial site. But that wasn’t the case; the priest directed us to our cars after the service and told us to line up for the drive to the burial site.

Luckily, we located our good Samaritans, and they willingly offered us another ride. The procession wound up and down hills and we quickly realized we wound never have been able to get to either the service or the burial without a car. What had we been thinking?

Lesson learned; carefully check all funeral information and don’t be afraid to ask questions.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Small investment pays big dividends

2009-03-04T05:17:00.000-08:00

Months ago, I led a workshop on communications during difficult times. One participant shared that after a cousin’s spouse passed away, he and his wife had covered all the bases. They attended the funeral, sent a condolence note, and made a donation in memory of the deceased.

While acknowledging his thoughtfulness, I mentioned the importance of keeping in touch in the months following a death. A simple phone call to the bereaved can mean so much; just say hello and let them know they’re in your thoughts.

When I saw the participant a few weeks later, he mentioned that when he returned from my workshop, he told his spouse, “Robbie said we should call Helen.” So they did. He said Helen sounded dreadful when she answered the phone, but when she heard their voices, she perked right up. She told them how happy she was to hear from them and he thanked me for suggesting the call.

How much time does it take to make a call? Five minutes, maybe ten? In just a matter of minutes, you too can make a positive difference in the life of someone grieving a loss. And all you have to do is pick up the phone.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

What to do when an acquaintance dies

2009-02-27T10:31:00.000-08:00

When someone you hardly know has died, it can be shocking to experience strong emotions. This happened to me several years ago; I read the morning paper and realized that the 15-year old who died in an automobile accident was the daughter of long ago friends. I had only met the daughter once, shortly after her birth, and yet I remember sobbing as I read her name.

We can’t possibly predict how we’ll feel when someone we know dies; and it’s even harder to imagine how a loss might affect us when it’s someone we barely know. It’s helpful to digest the news and process your feelings before deciding how you’ll respond. And there is no established protocol you’ll need to follow upon learning of an acquaintance’s death.

In my case, my husband and I chose to attend the funeral. The family was Jewish and sat shiva for seven days; during the shiva, you visit the home and pay your respects. Even though we hadn’t seen the parents in over a decade, we chose to attend the shiva to show our support and to pray and grieve with the bereaved.You have the option to attend the viewing or funeral, or write a condolence message.

There may be times you’ll learn of a death and choose not to act. Trust your instincts and do what feels appropriate.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Stand by their side

2009-02-10T11:25:00.000-08:00

It can be really awkward when someone you know is grieving a loss and you never met the deceased. Should you participate in the burial and mourning rituals at the funeral, cemetery, or home? Do you pay a personal call days or weeks following a death? Maybe you did know the deceased, but you’re afraid to say or do the wrong thing and contemplate staying away.

Many folks have questions on what’s appropriate etiquette following a death. I’ve come to the conclusion that just showing up is what’s most important.

There’s a common theme to the stories I hear from those who’ve experienced loss. “My colleague came to the visitation. We’re not even close but I was so glad to see her.” Or, “I’ll never forget my friend from out of town who came to the funeral, the cemetery, and back to the house.” And sadly, “I'll never feel the same about one of my closest friends who in three months couldn't make the time to see me.”

Whether you choose to show up or stay away, your actions will make a lasting impression. And remember, there is nothing magical you can say that will take away the pain. The bereaved just want to know they’re not alone and that you’re standing by their side. Share with them how sad you are that they’ve lost a loved one and then take your cues; listen if they want to talk, mingle with the other guests, or lend a hand with the serving and clean up. Just keep in mind that your presence is what’s important.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

When to ask for help

2009-01-29T12:24:00.000-08:00

It’s really tough to ask friends for help since it feels like we can’t handle our affairs. And yet we all face experiences that are so difficult, it is impossible to cope by ourselves. Some folks know the right things to do but others will look to you for guidance. Here are some things you might ask for when facing a tough time:

1. Ask to have a lunch or dinner order picked up at a favorite food outlet. I did this with a friend, leaving a lunch order over her voicemail, giving her the restaurant and requested delivery time. She showed up at the appointed hour and said she was grateful she was able to help me out.

2. Take a friend up on a blanket offer to help in any way. You be the judge on which offers are just conversation and which are sincere. I used a friend’s blanket offer for dinner companionship and she provided transportation and compassionate conversation.

3. A partner or family member can only take so much time off from work for appointments. A friend may be more than willing to accompany you and even take the edge off the day with a stop for coffee or lunch.

4. You might not have the time to shop for needed items. You can ask a friend to handle the transaction or, you can contact the store, make the transaction, and ask a friend to pick it up.

5. If you really like the rotisserie chickens at one store, or need milk twice a week, ask a friend who shops where you shop to pick up a standing order for you each week. And you can request a separate receipt to ease reimbursement.

Don't ask someone grieving to take the initiative

2009-01-27T10:25:00.000-08:00

Folks think they’re being helpful when they offer, “Call me if you need anything.” While the sentiment is sincere, it places a burden on someone who is grieving and can barely muster the energy to get out of bed. They won’t call you; they're too drained to take the initiative, they probably don’t know what they need, or, they don’t know what you'd be willing to do. And what if someone does take the initiative to call and ask for your help? Chances are you won’t be available exactly when your assistance is needed. And the last thing someone grieving needs is rejection.

So, what can you say and do to really help?

1. Offer something you are comfortable doing: “Can I get you anything from the grocery today?” Or, “I’d like to bring dinner. Which day is best?”

2. Make your offer specific: “I have two hours on Thursday. Can I run an errand for you or come over and help you?”

3. If you are not comfortable calling, send a gift you think would be helpful; possibly a gift card to a food outlet they like or a fruit basket.

4. If you want to help but would like to be anonymous, drop off a gift. Neighbors grieving a loss were appreciative of a dozen bagels left on their doorstep. A friend was touched to arrive home and find home-baked banana bread in her mailbox.

5. An acquaintance was truly at a loss at what he might be comfortable doing. When he realized he could offer transportation, to the airport or the pharmacy, his eyes lit up. This was something he felt capable to do. You too can find a way to make a difference.

What makes a condolence note memorable?

2009-01-20T11:10:00.000-08:00

People express concern in finding the right words to write a truly appropriate condolence message. But it's not your mastery with words that's important; what's truly special are messages that come from your heart.

It's been eight years since my mother died and my family lit a candle this week to honor her memory. It sparked thoughts on the condolence messages after her death that truly brought me comfort. I thought I'd share some of the qualities that made these messages memorable.

1. Memories are all we have left when a loved one dies and it's wonderful to hear someone else's perspective of our loved one. One friend shared: "Your mom was always so fun to speak with. Many from her generation tell the same stories over and over but your mom had so many interests and travels, I loved to visit with her."

2. It can be insightful to hear how others viewed your family member. My cousin shared: "I always thought it must have been so much fun growing up in your family. You always seemed to be such an active and involved bunch. I can only imagine what a great teacher your mom must have been because she had such a keen interest in so many things."

3. A friend made me feel better for feeling so bad. She shared: "It is always difficult to lose your mom, no matter what your age."

4. And someone from my book club who was not an intimate truly touched my heart when she referred to my mom as "Your dear mother."

Simple things make a difference

2009-01-15T12:27:00.000-08:00

When someone is going through a difficult time, communications and actions need not be elaborate to make a difference. Choose one or more of these five simple steps to offer your support:

1. Send a note to share your sadness, feelings, or memories and let the recipient know they are in your thoughts and prayers

2. Bring a meal, food item, or gift card for a favorite carry-out restaurant.

3. Make contact before going to the grocery store, pharmacy, hardware store, or post office to see if there are errands to run.

4. Provide transportation to funeral home, airport, hospital, physician, treatment, or professional appointments.

5. Offer to answer the telephone, make telephone calls, provide updates, or just stay at the home for an hour to handle the telephone and deliveries.

Six more distractions that hamper listening

2009-01-12T07:54:00.000-08:00

When someone trusts you enough to share their thoughts and feelings, they're asking for just one thing - they'd like you to listen. They're not looking to you for answers and they don't want you to judge. They just want to voice their experience.

It's not easy to be a listener; it takes lots of energy and hard work to actively listen. You'll listen more effectively if you avoid these six additional distractions:

1. Don't finish their sentences. Remind yourself how important it is to have patience when someone is struggling to formulate their thoughts.

2. Don't tell your own stories.

3. Don't share stories about other people's experiences.

4. Don't cut them off; allow them to finish their thoughts.

5. Don't change the subject.

6. Turn your cell phone off. If for some reason you left it on or it's on vibrate, ignore it if it rings and let it go to voicemail.

When loss hits the workplace

2009-01-08T12:45:00.000-08:00

It’s one thing to support a family member or friend dealing with loss but harder to know what to say and do with relationships that lack intimacy. It may seem safe to do nothing when you’re uncertain how best to proceed but it’s the small kindnesses that mean a lot and go a long way in providing comfort. Here are some suggestions from real-life queries:

Q: How can you support a colleague that has experienced a painful loss? My supervisor is really an acquaintance and her 25-year old daughter, an only child, was just killed in a car accident. What can I say or do to help her?

A: Loss is very isolating so it’s important that you don’t stay away because that will isolate her even further. Let her know how very sorry you are that this has happened, either by note or in person. You can make a donation in her daughter’s name, either to an organization that she has designated or one that you think will have meaning. Leave a plant or flowers on her desk with a note that you are thinking of her. Or, on occasion, stop by her office with coffee. She’ll appreciate your thoughtfulness and feel better knowing that she and her daughter are not forgotten.

Q: What can you do when a business contact dies?

A: If you are in the same city or this was a contact that you developed into a more meaningful relationship, you may choose to attend the funeral. It would be appropriate and kind if you wrote the family a condolence note. You can state how sorry you were to hear of the death, that he (or she) was a consummate professional, and you really enjoyed working with him (or her). You can share a personal anecdote or story that reflects the individual’s talents or personality. Even if the family doesn’t acknowledge your note, they will appreciate knowing that their loved one was well thought of in the workplace.

Six distractions that hamper listening

2009-01-05T04:46:00.000-08:00

Despite your best intentions, it can be hard to listen intently to someone dealing with pain and loss. Our personal communication experience is one of interactive dialogue but if you are to truly help someone processing a loss, the dialogue should be one way.

Distractions are barriers to effective listening. Here are six you can easily avoid:

1. Don't multi-task such as folding laundry, sorting mail, or unloading the dishwasher. Even if you're on the phone, they can hear.
2. Don't crack your knuckles, polish your nails, or tap your fingers.
3. Don't interrupt.
4. Don't shake your head.
5. Don't yawn or nod off.
6. Don't look away from the speaker.

Seven ways to listen better

2008-12-29T12:50:00.000-08:00

Someone facing a difficult experience needs an outlet to voice their concerns and fears. It is through conversations, sharing our stories over and over again, that we finally make sense of what is happening in our lives. One of the greatest gifts you can give someone facing a tough time is a willingness to listen. And yet listening doesn't come easy to us. Listening is a skill, just like speaking and writing, and the more you practice, the more proficient you become. Here are seven strategies to help you be a better listener:

1. Choose a private and comfortable place to talk.
2. Disregard your own feelings and thoughts and focus solely on the speaker.
3. Look directly at the speaker.
4. Avoid interruptions and don't talk.
5. Demonstrate warmth in your voice and your facial expressions.
6. Change position if you find your mind wandering or feel you are slipping away.
7. Stay calm and be patient.

Grieving loss during the holidays

2008-12-18T08:59:00.000-08:00

Holidays should be joyful, but they are often sad for individuals grieving a loss or going through a difficult experience. Five simple things can bring cheer to those facing tough times:

1. Write a personal note to let them know you are thinking of them and their loved one.

2. Invite them out to lunch and offer to provide transportation.

3. Deliver a gift bag or tin with home-baked or store-bought cookies, muffins, or a quick bread.

4. Include them in your holiday activities but don't be offended if they decline the invitation.

5. Establish a new ritual - a quiet brunch the week before or after the holiday, a meal you prepare together on a week night, or an afternoon tea.

Adapted from "How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say: The Right Words for Difficult Times"

Helping a friend through job loss

2008-12-05T13:52:00.000-08:00

The news on the job front isn’t good. The Washington Post reported this morning that the unemployment rate rose to a 15-year high – tough news for those employed at some of the organizations that announced layoffs this week. Many folks wonder what to say or do when someone they know has lost their job. When my friend Mark was laid off a few months ago, he didn’t wait for others to ask; he immediately sent everyone in his network an e-mail and was very specific in how others could help. Here’s what he said:

Dear Alex,

As you know, I’m a contract employee at the Deputy Mayor's Office and my contract will end in August. I am not a D.C. resident and, therefore, don’t meet the residency requirements of the position. For this reason, my contract will not be renewed and I’m
now looking for a job.

If you have any leads on employment opportunities that may be a good fit for me or, if you could help me network within the education policy arena, I would really appreciate it. I am attaching my resume and I encourage you to pass it along.

Thanks,
Mark

Mark got the help he requested and found a new job through a connection he made as president of his neighborhood association. Whether he approached guys from his neighborhood pool, fathers of his kids’ play groups, or neighbors he worked with on the citizen’s association, people were responsive. Mark shared some of the helpful things people did so others might learn how best to lend a hand:

1. One friend updated his resume.
2. Acquaintances and good friends forwarded his resume to their HR departments.
3. Colleagues recommended him to their previous or current organizations.

What to say to a grieving spouse

2008-12-02T16:37:00.000-08:00

A colleague, Joan Price, recently lost her beloved husband, Robert. Many folks she encountered found it hard to say the right thing and too often she was asked, “How are you doing?" Joan wondered, “What was I supposed to answer? The truth was ‘Horrible, of course!’ but I restrained myself."

I asked Joan to share what she wished folks had said so we could learn how to better communicate with a grieving spouse. Joan reminded me that we each grieve differently and statements that she liked might not work as well with others. But these are her heartfelt suggestions:

1. “Tell me about him.”
With people who didn’t know him or barely knew him, this is a wonderful opening for me to talk about him.

2. “I miss him, too.”
From people who did know him, this is the perfect thing to say.

3. “Here’s what I loved about him” or “Here’s something special he did that I’ll always remember.”
How beautiful to add to my memories of him during this time.

Thanks, Joan!

The Gift of Listening

2008-11-25T06:37:00.000-08:00

It happens all the time. Something has us stressed, upset, or worried and we search for comfort. But what we really need is someone to listen; someone to give us their full attention as we share our fears and concerns. We’re not looking for advice, we’re looking for understanding. And we each have the power to give this all important gift – our time and attention.

It’s hard to ask for support but we can’t expect our friends and loved ones to be mind readers and intuitively understand our needs. This message was in my mail this morning: “I want to write to my one close friend as I need comfort from that friend. Could you please tell me how to write a letter to him on this topic?” Here's what I suggested:

Dear Tom,

This past month has been really difficult and I’ve been trying to resolve some problems on my own. But I’m not faring well and the issues have me tense and worried. I really could use a good listener and wonder if you would do that for me. We could make a date for dinner or a visit at my home. I’ll make myself available at a time that is convenient for you. You are such a good friend and I need your friendship now.

Thanks for being there for me.

Best,

Joanne

Why write sympathy notes?

2008-11-20T09:29:00.000-08:00

When someone dies, all we have left are our memories. Sympathy notes that express your condolences bring comfort to the bereaved. The most meaningful ones include your thoughts, personal memories, and if possible, a treasured story. Photographs are especially appreciated. But what happens when you need to write a note and you never met the deceased? I had to do this recently and here’s how I handled the death of a dear friend’s dad. I never met the dad, but my friend shared some stories about his family and I used that as the basis for my condolence note, which follows:

Dear Bill,

I was so sorry to hear about the death of your dad. I’m sure your dad had a hand in modeling behaviors that shaped the special person that you are – your wonderful medical skills, compassion, and patience. And your keen sense of humor. You have shared lots of stories about your family and I’m hoping that the good memories will be a comfort to you while you grieve this loss. Know that I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Much love to you and Katie.

Robbie

Making amends for something you said

2008-11-18T16:24:00.000-08:00

What happens when someone you care about is grieving a loss and you know you said the wrong thing? That’s what happened to a friend of mine. She attended a family dinner and said something to her sister-in-law that she immediately knew was inappropriate. She didn’t know what to do, so she said nothing and her sister-in-law never mentioned it either. And even though the relationship seems fine, my friend feels guilty and wonders if there is something she can say a year later to make amends.

I suggested she use a note card to write a message and here’s what I recommended: Be honest – let her know that she is someone special in your life and your relationship is very important. Mention that you said something to her a year ago at dinner and you’ve been at a loss ever since as to how you might apologize. You never meant to hurt her and you want to let her know how sorry you are for what was said. You can tell her how fortunate you feel to have her as a family member And use the same close for your note that you’d use in other correspondence with her.

Being supportive after job loss

2008-11-13T17:04:00.000-08:00

Along with the grim economic news is the recent data issued by the government on the October unemployment rate – 6.5 % - the highest level in 25 years.

With massive job cuts – 1.2 million jobs lost this year and still counting – it’s hard not to know someone who has lost their job or fears they will. Job loss is a huge blow to one’s ego - no matter how experienced, talented, or skilled, almost everyone’s identity is tied to their occupation or organization. And when that goes, so does your confidence.

How can you help? For starters, accept that they will go through many of the stages of grief in dealing with this loss. They may be angry, bitter, demonstrate denial or feel sad, anxious, or lonely. What you say and do impacts their psyche, so think carefully before you speak. Avoid expressing pity, don’t say anything that will shake their confidence, and most of all, don’t avoid them.

So what can you do to help? Recognize their loss and communicate that you are really sorry this has happened. Bolster their ego by reinforcing their strengths and accomplishments. But avoid unrealistic assurances, such as “You’ll find a job in no time.” In this economic climate, it might take awhile. Instead, suggest they “Take the time to find the right job.” If it’s appropriate, make an offer to provide contacts through your network, give feedback on their resume or cover letter, or distribute their resume. The best support may be a weekly date at the local coffee spot to review their progress, brainstorm options, or just listen. Even if you’re worried about what to say it’s essential you take their calls, return their messages, and include them in social occasions when appropriate. Your care and support will go a long way in helping them through this cycle.