Is it ever appropriate to question the bereaved?

When you learn there’s been a death, what’s your first response? Do you share your condolences with the bereaved and express your sadness, or, do you ask a question? A reader shares her experience that when someone has died, one of the first responses is often a question: “How did they die?”

No matter how well meaning, does it really matter how someone died? Does it change the way you should respond to the death? Maybe the question “how” is not one the bereaved wishes to discuss, and yet how does one gracefully navigate a conversation that might be intrusive when overwhelmed with grief? How someone died, whether by accident, terminal illness, unexpected death, violence, or suicide, shouldn’t change the way you respond to the news of the death. And it’s important to protect the privacy of the bereaved and not make them uncomfortable with intrusive questions.

Are questions every appropriate when learning of a death? The only questions that might be appropriate are: “Can you tell me where I can get information on the funeral, memorial service, or visitation?” “Is the family accepting visitors?” “Can I bring a dinner?” “Where can I make a donation in their memory?” Or, “Is there someone I can call to offer my help?”

Feel free to share questions that you have felt inappropriate or, first responses that made you feel someone cared.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.