What not to say after a suicide

Suicide was back in the news this week after the tragic death of Marie Osmond’s eighteen-year old son. “Suicide survivors,” the bereaved whose loved one died by suicide, are often left to deal with guilt (could I have stopped it?); rejection (how could they choose death over me?); stigmatism by friends, loved ones, and society (their loved one chose death over life).

So what can you do when a friend or loved one experiences a death by suicide? You can provide nonjudgmental support to help your friend or loved one navigate what will be a complicated and prolonged bereavement.

1. Don’t stay away because you fear you’ll say the wrong thing. Instead, express your deepest condolences and share how sorry you are for the loss. If you knew the deceased, you can share what was so special about them and that you will miss them too.

2. Don’t think suicide should be treated any differently than any other death. Treat suicide survivors the same way you would treat anyone who is grieving the loss of a loved one.

3. Don’t use words and phrases to describe suicide in negative connotations. Avoid saying “committed suicide;” using the word “committed” implies a crime.

4. Don’t use language that implies the person who died by suicide was to blame. It’s inappropriate to say “killed themselves,” “ended their life” or, “they took their life by their own choice.”

5. Don’t ask questions. You can offer to listen confidentially, and leave it up to the bereaved to let you know if and when they’d like to talk.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Respecting a friend's request

A reader wonders what they can do to support a friend who is terminally ill. The two had a close relationship but the friend moved away to be near family. The friend has gotten sicker, refused all requests to visit, and has become too weak to speak on the phone. It is feared that the end is near. The reader wonders, “Should I keep calling, requesting a visit, or, should I honor my friend’s request, even if I may never see them again?”

This is a painful dilemma. I often find it helpful if you can put yourself in the other person’s shoes. If you very ill and at this stage in your own life, would you want someone to honor your request? And if you do, that doesn't mean you have to stop caring.

Since the phone calls aren’t getting answered or returned, why not try reaching out in another way? It’s often special to receive something in the mail and you can write your thoughts directly to them. There are many benefits to this strategy; they'll hear from you and if they choose, they can re-read your letters at any time. You are respecting their privacy while reaching out to let them know they’re not alone. And you can always say “I understand your desire for privacy. Should you feel at any time you'd welcome a phone call or visit, I will respond as quickly as I can."

You might also reach out to the parents with a note. They are going through this experience with their son or daughter and they too could use support. Let them know you are thinking of them and would love to reach out and help in any way. Remind them that you've communicated to their son or daughter that you will come and support them, and you’re willing to do the same for them.

It's important to respect boundaries. The last thing you want to do at this point is make someone feel guilty for communicating their wishes. It's helpful to keep in perspective that as difficult as this is for you, it’s even worse for your friend and their parents.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Making a difference in times of loss

We’re often shocked and hurt by insensitive and inappropriate things people say and do. But lots of people get it right and seem to have a sixth sense when it comes supporting and comforting the bereaved. I’m going to start the New Year off on a positive note and share some of the real-life kindnesses you’ve reported to me:

• “In the year since my husband died, my daughter gives me a surprise every month on the anniversary of his death. It might be a candy bar on my pillow or a scarf on the front seat of my car. One month she was out of town and I found flowers on my dresser; she instructed her husband to come to the house on his lunch break so I would find something special when I returned from work. Her thoughtfulness has lightened my heart during this difficult year.”

• “My mother-in-law arrived a few minutes after I returned home from the hospital after my miscarriage. I told her I wasn’t up for entertaining. She told me to rest and she sat by my bed to keep me company. She said nothing all afternoon, just sat by my bed. It was the nicest and most caring thing she’s ever done for me.”

• “The year after my mother died, my husband had surgery for cancer. My kids were teenagers and I had no one to lean on – it was just me and the stress was overwhelming. I spoke to my sister and told her how stressed I was. She told me to call her to vent anytime and said “Just pretend I’m mom.”

• “My husband was terminally ill and my two sisters and their husbands were flying in from out of town for the day so they could see him one last time. My colleagues wanted to help out so they provided lunch - a platter of sandwiches and drinks. It made the day so much easier.”

• “My baby died eight months into my pregnancy. My good friend accompanied me to the hospital where they induced labor. Every year on that date, she sends me a bouquet of flowers.”

• “When my mother-in-law passed away, my daughter’s three roommates drove from college to pay their respects at her wake. They then had to drive back for classes the next day. They did this for my daughter and their ‘honorary parents.’ That was seven years ago and I have never forgotten the gesture.”

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Making contact with the bereaved

While in my twenties, a close friend’s mom died. My friend shared the time and place of the visitation and yet I chose not to attend. I had good excuses; I was living in a large city and was unfamiliar with the part of town where the visitation was held. Also, my faith does not hold visitations and I had no idea what to expect. I chose to write a condolence note and I stayed away. The day after the visitation, before my note arrived, my friend called. During our conversation, she told me that an acquaintance from work had showed up at the visitation. She shared that even though they weren’t friends, she had embraced her warmly and was so glad to see her.

This experience taught me the importance of making that initial connection with friends and loved ones following a death. It’s like breaking the ice in any situation; it may feel very awkward at first, but once you make contact, communication becomes easier. For example, a few years ago, a member of my congregation experienced a terrible loss. Several weeks after his wife’s death, I saw him sitting alone before services. I approached him and gave him a hug and told him how sorry I was for his loss. When I returned to my seat, other members of the congregation followed my lead. It seemed as if they needed someone to show them that it was okay to make contact.

So how do you break the ice? And is it always okay to give a hug? If you are physically nearby, show your support by attending the visitation, the funeral or memorial service, and the reception. And speak to the bereaved. If the family is accepting visitors at home, pay your respects. If you are uncertain about whether it’s appropriate to give a hug, it might be best to ask, “Is it okay to give you a hug?” as not everyone is receptive. Condolence messages, whether by card or note, as well as donations are always appreciated.

But what if you are neither nearby nor close to the bereaved? It’s still appropriate to write a note or send a card. And if you’d like to remember the deceased with a donation, that’s okay too.

Once you’ve broken the ice, your support in the days ahead will be welcome. You might make a phone call, just to say hello and let them know you’re thinking of them. If they don’t answer the phone, leave a short message. E-mail is also a great way to keep in touch.

It’s very caring to offer to bring lunch or dinner, or visit the bereaved. We sometimes shy away from visiting because we know the bereaved are very sad. But visits should be short and all that is really required from you is companionship. The most helpful thing you can do is to let the bereaved know you care, and then listen, allowing them to guide the conversation. It’s not your job to distract them from their grief. If they’d like to talk, listen. And if they don’t want to talk, just sit and keep them company. Your presence is all that’s needed.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Helping a child deal with loss

I saw Billy Crystal in his one-man show “700 Sundays” and was deeply touched by his personal story. He relates how his father’s untimely death at age 54, when Crystal was 15, set him apart from his peers and forever changed him. He tells of looking in the mirror shortly after his father’s death and seeing a man instead of a 15-year old.

Crystal’s story resonated with me because I share the same legacy; I was 11-years old when I too lost my 54-year old father. When Crystal relates the burden of loss by saying it felt as if he pushed a boulder through adolescence, his description made sense to me. He also relates how isolating it felt to be so different when you’re a child because it’s rare to find other peers that share a similar loss.

So what can you do to help a grieving child? You can ask, “How are you doing?” It might be just the opening for them to share their feelings and experience. In Crystal’s case, his coach in high school asked him this question; for Crystal, it was a welcome question and the first time he truly opened up with someone and shared what was going on in his life.

If you do make an overture to a child and they seem unwilling to share, you might tell them that you’ll make yourself available to listen in the future, and let them know how to reach out to you. And there’s nothing wrong in your checking back with them from time to time.

My mom was overwhelmed with work, her four children, and her own grief after my father’s death; she just didn’t have time to sit with us and ask how we were doing. I’m not sure that I would have burdened her with the truth anyway. But if a family friend, relative, or teacher had taken the time to seek me out, I would have welcomed the opportunity to voice my feelings and fears.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Where do we draw the line on questions?

The Washington Post recently published an article about their obituary desk. Their policy is to write an obituary for anyone who has lived in the Washington, DC area for at least twenty uninterrupted years or, more years lived in the Washington, DC area than elsewhere. But here’s the hitch; they won’t publish an obituary if the family won’t share the cause of death or detail the marital history of the deceased or criminal convictions.

I found that interesting in lieu of the blog posting a few weeks back on what’s inappropriate to ask. Where do we draw the line on what’s too personal and what’s not?

When a loved one dies, it’s shocking, whether we’re prepared or not. Pain runs deep and it really is no time for questions. Some of us might be very willing to share details, for it’s in the telling that we begin to grasp our loss. But for some of us, the details are very personal, and we’re careful with whom we share our most intimate experiences and thoughts.

Sadly, it’s often the truly inappropriate things that people say that stick with us. For me, it was a friend that asked the week after my mother died, “Do you think she knew she was dying?” The question shocked me, but angered me too. Her insensitivity forced me to consider something that was terribly painful.

You might ask yourself some questions before doing the questioning: “What information am I looking for?” and “Why is it important for me to know?” “How might the bereaved feel when I ask this question?” and “Am I helping or hurting?” And, most importantly, “How would I feel if someone asked me this question after I lost my loved one?”

Keep in mind that loss is terribly painful and in the midst of all the pain, the bereaved might not be ready to think about or deal with the answers to your questions. Instead of asking, offer - comfort and support.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

How to be supportive after a miscarriage

Susan is in her sixties with four grown children that have brought her great joy. Yet she still feels the sting of a hurtful comment made after her miscarriage decades ago. Susan painfully recounts how a friend expressed no sympathy but asked, “Do you know what caused it?”

Like Susan, Melanie carries a deep hurt from comments after her miscarriage. One friend who also miscarried told her, “My baby lived 19 weeks while yours only lived five.” Melanie wonders, “Should my grief be less painful than my friend's because my baby died earlier in the pregnancy?”

Susan and Melanie aren’t alone. Medical professionals, friends, and family members often feel awkward following a miscarriage. And yet a miscarriage is a death in the family and should be treated as such.

Just because a baby died before its birth doesn’t mean it wasn’t deeply loved, cherished, and wanted. Parents might have already learned the baby’s sex, selected a name, planned the nursery, or bought items for the baby.

So what should you say or do? Stick to the basics. Express your sympathy the same way you would for any other death: in person, by phone, or in a note. Communicate how sorry you are for the loss and let them know that you’re hoping their dreams will come true. Send flowers if that’s what you would normally do or offer to bring a meal. Parents with other children might appreciate some help with childcare while they take care of doctor appointments, errands, or just rest. It’s best to avoid sharing yours or other’s miscarriage experiences; it’s not going to make them feel better and isn’t that what you’d like to do?
Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Is it ever appropriate to question the bereaved?

When you learn there’s been a death, what’s your first response? Do you share your condolences with the bereaved and express your sadness, or, do you ask a question? A reader shares her experience that when someone has died, one of the first responses is often a question: “How did they die?”

No matter how well meaning, does it really matter how someone died? Does it change the way you should respond to the death? Maybe the question “how” is not one the bereaved wishes to discuss, and yet how does one gracefully navigate a conversation that might be intrusive when overwhelmed with grief? How someone died, whether by accident, terminal illness, unexpected death, violence, or suicide, shouldn’t change the way you respond to the news of the death. And it’s important to protect the privacy of the bereaved and not make them uncomfortable with intrusive questions.

Are questions every appropriate when learning of a death? The only questions that might be appropriate are: “Can you tell me where I can get information on the funeral, memorial service, or visitation?” “Is the family accepting visitors?” “Can I bring a dinner?” “Where can I make a donation in their memory?” Or, “Is there someone I can call to offer my help?”

Feel free to share questions that you have felt inappropriate or, first responses that made you feel someone cared.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Speaking of the deceased

Why do people avoid saying the name of the deceased? A friend facing the anniversary of her husband’s death was hurt that friends no longer said her husband’s name. She finally asked them why and they told her they were afraid his name would make her sad. She’s already sad that her husband died and she thinks about him all the time; she told her friends she’s like to talk about him, too.

That reminded me of a story another friend shared. It was the anniversary of the death of her 21-year old neighbor. Although she remembered the date, she didn’t plan to send a card or call her friend because she didn’t want to remind her of her loss. I explained that her friend was thinking about her son all the time, especially on the anniversary of his death. If she were to reach out to her, she would make her friend feel not so alone in her grief.

It can be awkward to broach the subject, but why not give it a try. Let a friend know that you think of “Peter,” her deceased spouse, every time you eat coffee ice cream, because you remember it was his favorite. Or around the anniversary of a neighbor’s daughter’s death, let them know that you’ll never forget “Lisa’s” wonderful smile. Or, share with someone in your life that something reminded you of “Tim” and just the thought of him made you feel good. You’ll make them feel good, too!

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Spread some kindness today

Do you have time to write a note today? I met someone who told me that once a week she sits at her desk and asks herself, “Who could use a note this week?” And then she writes one to someone who could use a dose of kindness.

In the frenzy to stay on top of things most of us find it difficult to find the time to write a note, no less figure out who could use some cheering up. But think how many spirits we’d lift if we all took the time this week to write one note to one person to let them know they’re not alone; that we’re thinking of them and wishing some sunshine their way. Can you find the time to do it? I’m going to do it right now.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Leaving a message

Someone who likes to keep in touch with the bereaved recently asked: “Is it appropriate when leaving a message to let them know it's okay for them not to return the call?” Does that message convey that he would rather not hear back from them? Or, as was his intent, did it take the pressure off the recipient to return the call?

Many of us like to keep in touch when those we care about are going through a difficult time. And yet it’s hard to time our phone calls to reach the recipient when they are receptive to a call. That’s where voice mail and e-mail play a crucial role in conveying our message.

I remember a time when I would return home only to find ten concerned messages on the answering machine. I appreciated the sentiment, but it was exhausting to answer all the calls. I was always appreciative when someone let me know that they were just checking in and it was fine if I didn’t call back. That way, I knew they cared and if I didn’t have the energy, it was okay not to return the call. E-mail offers the same advantages; it lets you keep in touch any day and at any time, and lets the recipient respond if and when it is convenient.

When leaving a message, I often say, “This is Robbie and I’m just checking in to let you know that I’m thinking of you. If you would like to give me a call back at a convenient time, that’s great. But it’s fine if you don’t return the call. I just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts. Take care.”

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Stand by their side

It can be really awkward when someone you know is grieving a loss and you never met the deceased. Should you participate in the burial and mourning rituals at the funeral, cemetery, or home? Do you pay a personal call days or weeks following a death? Maybe you did know the deceased, but you’re afraid to say or do the wrong thing and contemplate staying away.

Many folks have questions on what’s appropriate etiquette following a death. I’ve come to the conclusion that just showing up is what’s most important.

There’s a common theme to the stories I hear from those who’ve experienced loss. “My colleague came to the visitation. We’re not even close but I was so glad to see her.” Or, “I’ll never forget my friend from out of town who came to the funeral, the cemetery, and back to the house.” And sadly, “I'll never feel the same about one of my closest friends who in three months couldn't make the time to see me.”

Whether you choose to show up or stay away, your actions will make a lasting impression. And remember, there is nothing magical you can say that will take away the pain. The bereaved just want to know they’re not alone and that you’re standing by their side. Share with them how sad you are that they’ve lost a loved one and then take your cues; listen if they want to talk, mingle with the other guests, or lend a hand with the serving and clean up. Just keep in mind that your presence is what’s important.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Don't ask someone grieving to take the initiative

Folks think they’re being helpful when they offer, “Call me if you need anything.” While the sentiment is sincere, it places a burden on someone who is grieving and can barely muster the energy to get out of bed. They won’t call you; they're too drained to take the initiative, they probably don’t know what they need, or, they don’t know what you'd be willing to do. And what if someone does take the initiative to call and ask for your help? Chances are you won’t be available exactly when your assistance is needed. And the last thing someone grieving needs is rejection.

So, what can you say and do to really help?

1. Offer something you are comfortable doing: “Can I get you anything from the grocery today?” Or, “I’d like to bring dinner. Which day is best?”

2. Make your offer specific: “I have two hours on Thursday. Can I run an errand for you or come over and help you?”

3. If you are not comfortable calling, send a gift you think would be helpful; possibly a gift card to a food outlet they like or a fruit basket.

4. If you want to help but would like to be anonymous, drop off a gift. Neighbors grieving a loss were appreciative of a dozen bagels left on their doorstep. A friend was touched to arrive home and find home-baked banana bread in her mailbox.

5. An acquaintance was truly at a loss at what he might be comfortable doing. When he realized he could offer transportation, to the airport or the pharmacy, his eyes lit up. This was something he felt capable to do. You too can find a way to make a difference.

When loss hits the workplace

It’s one thing to support a family member or friend dealing with loss but harder to know what to say and do with relationships that lack intimacy. It may seem safe to do nothing when you’re uncertain how best to proceed but it’s the small kindnesses that mean a lot and go a long way in providing comfort. Here are some suggestions from real-life queries:

Q: How can you support a colleague that has experienced a painful loss? My supervisor is really an acquaintance and her 25-year old daughter, an only child, was just killed in a car accident. What can I say or do to help her?

A: Loss is very isolating so it’s important that you don’t stay away because that will isolate her even further. Let her know how very sorry you are that this has happened, either by note or in person. You can make a donation in her daughter’s name, either to an organization that she has designated or one that you think will have meaning. Leave a plant or flowers on her desk with a note that you are thinking of her. Or, on occasion, stop by her office with coffee. She’ll appreciate your thoughtfulness and feel better knowing that she and her daughter are not forgotten.

Q: What can you do when a business contact dies?

A: If you are in the same city or this was a contact that you developed into a more meaningful relationship, you may choose to attend the funeral. It would be appropriate and kind if you wrote the family a condolence note. You can state how sorry you were to hear of the death, that he (or she) was a consummate professional, and you really enjoyed working with him (or her). You can share a personal anecdote or story that reflects the individual’s talents or personality. Even if the family doesn’t acknowledge your note, they will appreciate knowing that their loved one was well thought of in the workplace.

What to say to a grieving spouse

A colleague, Joan Price, recently lost her beloved husband, Robert. Many folks she encountered found it hard to say the right thing and too often she was asked, “How are you doing?" Joan wondered, “What was I supposed to answer? The truth was ‘Horrible, of course!’ but I restrained myself."

I asked Joan to share what she wished folks had said so we could learn how to better communicate with a grieving spouse. Joan reminded me that we each grieve differently and statements that she liked might not work as well with others. But these are her heartfelt suggestions:

1. “Tell me about him.”
With people who didn’t know him or barely knew him, this is a wonderful opening for me to talk about him.

2. “I miss him, too.”
From people who did know him, this is the perfect thing to say.

3. “Here’s what I loved about him” or “Here’s something special he did that I’ll always remember.”
How beautiful to add to my memories of him during this time.

Thanks, Joan!