Respecting a friend's request

A reader wonders what they can do to support a friend who is terminally ill. The two had a close relationship but the friend moved away to be near family. The friend has gotten sicker, refused all requests to visit, and has become too weak to speak on the phone. It is feared that the end is near. The reader wonders, “Should I keep calling, requesting a visit, or, should I honor my friend’s request, even if I may never see them again?”

This is a painful dilemma. I often find it helpful if you can put yourself in the other person’s shoes. If you very ill and at this stage in your own life, would you want someone to honor your request? And if you do, that doesn't mean you have to stop caring.

Since the phone calls aren’t getting answered or returned, why not try reaching out in another way? It’s often special to receive something in the mail and you can write your thoughts directly to them. There are many benefits to this strategy; they'll hear from you and if they choose, they can re-read your letters at any time. You are respecting their privacy while reaching out to let them know they’re not alone. And you can always say “I understand your desire for privacy. Should you feel at any time you'd welcome a phone call or visit, I will respond as quickly as I can."

You might also reach out to the parents with a note. They are going through this experience with their son or daughter and they too could use support. Let them know you are thinking of them and would love to reach out and help in any way. Remind them that you've communicated to their son or daughter that you will come and support them, and you’re willing to do the same for them.

It's important to respect boundaries. The last thing you want to do at this point is make someone feel guilty for communicating their wishes. It's helpful to keep in perspective that as difficult as this is for you, it’s even worse for your friend and their parents.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.