What not to say after a suicide

Suicide was back in the news this week after the tragic death of Marie Osmond’s eighteen-year old son. “Suicide survivors,” the bereaved whose loved one died by suicide, are often left to deal with guilt (could I have stopped it?); rejection (how could they choose death over me?); stigmatism by friends, loved ones, and society (their loved one chose death over life).

So what can you do when a friend or loved one experiences a death by suicide? You can provide nonjudgmental support to help your friend or loved one navigate what will be a complicated and prolonged bereavement.

1. Don’t stay away because you fear you’ll say the wrong thing. Instead, express your deepest condolences and share how sorry you are for the loss. If you knew the deceased, you can share what was so special about them and that you will miss them too.

2. Don’t think suicide should be treated any differently than any other death. Treat suicide survivors the same way you would treat anyone who is grieving the loss of a loved one.

3. Don’t use words and phrases to describe suicide in negative connotations. Avoid saying “committed suicide;” using the word “committed” implies a crime.

4. Don’t use language that implies the person who died by suicide was to blame. It’s inappropriate to say “killed themselves,” “ended their life” or, “they took their life by their own choice.”

5. Don’t ask questions. You can offer to listen confidentially, and leave it up to the bereaved to let you know if and when they’d like to talk.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Respecting a friend's request

A reader wonders what they can do to support a friend who is terminally ill. The two had a close relationship but the friend moved away to be near family. The friend has gotten sicker, refused all requests to visit, and has become too weak to speak on the phone. It is feared that the end is near. The reader wonders, “Should I keep calling, requesting a visit, or, should I honor my friend’s request, even if I may never see them again?”

This is a painful dilemma. I often find it helpful if you can put yourself in the other person’s shoes. If you very ill and at this stage in your own life, would you want someone to honor your request? And if you do, that doesn't mean you have to stop caring.

Since the phone calls aren’t getting answered or returned, why not try reaching out in another way? It’s often special to receive something in the mail and you can write your thoughts directly to them. There are many benefits to this strategy; they'll hear from you and if they choose, they can re-read your letters at any time. You are respecting their privacy while reaching out to let them know they’re not alone. And you can always say “I understand your desire for privacy. Should you feel at any time you'd welcome a phone call or visit, I will respond as quickly as I can."

You might also reach out to the parents with a note. They are going through this experience with their son or daughter and they too could use support. Let them know you are thinking of them and would love to reach out and help in any way. Remind them that you've communicated to their son or daughter that you will come and support them, and you’re willing to do the same for them.

It's important to respect boundaries. The last thing you want to do at this point is make someone feel guilty for communicating their wishes. It's helpful to keep in perspective that as difficult as this is for you, it’s even worse for your friend and their parents.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

How to honor a friend

It’s been almost five years since my friend Betsy died. She left a big void in my life as we had one of those rare friendships where we were truly like family.

Betsy had a form of cancer that did not respond to post surgical treatment so I learned not to take our friendship for granted. For several years, I worried about Betsy and always asked how she was doing. Finally, she told me she had stopped worrying about the cancer; she considered it a period where she was sick and now she was well. And so I too finally stopped worrying about her cancer.

Ten years later, the cancer came back. She and her family fought hard and found a medical center willing to try a new surgical procedure and for awhile, it seemed as if Betsy won another round. But the joy was short-lived as the cancer spread and her life was once again tenuous. Betsy’s death was a shock as we all believed her monumental spirit was too strong to crush.

I think of Betsy often, and not just on the anniversary of her death. While I’ve had many friends in my lifetime, none have had a greater influence on me. And when I think of Betsy, I think of honoring our friendship and her memory.

I fear that sometimes we get so caught up in our losses that we forget about the living. I spend so much time keeping in touch with friends and family members dealing with loss that I sometimes forget about those doing well. This year and this week, I’m going to try something new. I’m going to get in touch with my friends, just to let them know that I’m thinking of them, and how much I appreciate and value their friendship.

This is a good week to let those you care about know you care. And thank them for being a part of your life.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Making a difference in times of loss

We’re often shocked and hurt by insensitive and inappropriate things people say and do. But lots of people get it right and seem to have a sixth sense when it comes supporting and comforting the bereaved. I’m going to start the New Year off on a positive note and share some of the real-life kindnesses you’ve reported to me:

• “In the year since my husband died, my daughter gives me a surprise every month on the anniversary of his death. It might be a candy bar on my pillow or a scarf on the front seat of my car. One month she was out of town and I found flowers on my dresser; she instructed her husband to come to the house on his lunch break so I would find something special when I returned from work. Her thoughtfulness has lightened my heart during this difficult year.”

• “My mother-in-law arrived a few minutes after I returned home from the hospital after my miscarriage. I told her I wasn’t up for entertaining. She told me to rest and she sat by my bed to keep me company. She said nothing all afternoon, just sat by my bed. It was the nicest and most caring thing she’s ever done for me.”

• “The year after my mother died, my husband had surgery for cancer. My kids were teenagers and I had no one to lean on – it was just me and the stress was overwhelming. I spoke to my sister and told her how stressed I was. She told me to call her to vent anytime and said “Just pretend I’m mom.”

• “My husband was terminally ill and my two sisters and their husbands were flying in from out of town for the day so they could see him one last time. My colleagues wanted to help out so they provided lunch - a platter of sandwiches and drinks. It made the day so much easier.”

• “My baby died eight months into my pregnancy. My good friend accompanied me to the hospital where they induced labor. Every year on that date, she sends me a bouquet of flowers.”

• “When my mother-in-law passed away, my daughter’s three roommates drove from college to pay their respects at her wake. They then had to drive back for classes the next day. They did this for my daughter and their ‘honorary parents.’ That was seven years ago and I have never forgotten the gesture.”

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Making contact with the bereaved

While in my twenties, a close friend’s mom died. My friend shared the time and place of the visitation and yet I chose not to attend. I had good excuses; I was living in a large city and was unfamiliar with the part of town where the visitation was held. Also, my faith does not hold visitations and I had no idea what to expect. I chose to write a condolence note and I stayed away. The day after the visitation, before my note arrived, my friend called. During our conversation, she told me that an acquaintance from work had showed up at the visitation. She shared that even though they weren’t friends, she had embraced her warmly and was so glad to see her.

This experience taught me the importance of making that initial connection with friends and loved ones following a death. It’s like breaking the ice in any situation; it may feel very awkward at first, but once you make contact, communication becomes easier. For example, a few years ago, a member of my congregation experienced a terrible loss. Several weeks after his wife’s death, I saw him sitting alone before services. I approached him and gave him a hug and told him how sorry I was for his loss. When I returned to my seat, other members of the congregation followed my lead. It seemed as if they needed someone to show them that it was okay to make contact.

So how do you break the ice? And is it always okay to give a hug? If you are physically nearby, show your support by attending the visitation, the funeral or memorial service, and the reception. And speak to the bereaved. If the family is accepting visitors at home, pay your respects. If you are uncertain about whether it’s appropriate to give a hug, it might be best to ask, “Is it okay to give you a hug?” as not everyone is receptive. Condolence messages, whether by card or note, as well as donations are always appreciated.

But what if you are neither nearby nor close to the bereaved? It’s still appropriate to write a note or send a card. And if you’d like to remember the deceased with a donation, that’s okay too.

Once you’ve broken the ice, your support in the days ahead will be welcome. You might make a phone call, just to say hello and let them know you’re thinking of them. If they don’t answer the phone, leave a short message. E-mail is also a great way to keep in touch.

It’s very caring to offer to bring lunch or dinner, or visit the bereaved. We sometimes shy away from visiting because we know the bereaved are very sad. But visits should be short and all that is really required from you is companionship. The most helpful thing you can do is to let the bereaved know you care, and then listen, allowing them to guide the conversation. It’s not your job to distract them from their grief. If they’d like to talk, listen. And if they don’t want to talk, just sit and keep them company. Your presence is all that’s needed.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

How to make memorial donations

We honor the deceased by making donations in their memory. Many obituaries designate a charity or fund selected by the family, but what if the organization is one you’d prefer not to support or worse, in conflict with your values? Do you donate anyway or ignore the family’s request, making a donation to a charity or cause you support? And what if there is no indication of where to donate? How do you choose something appropriate?

Ask yourself, "Why am I making a donation?" Is it to both honor the deceased and bring comfort to their family? If so, then make a donation to the designated organization. If it’s an organization you would not normally support, you can give the minimal donation. If you want to ensure that a specific individual is notified of the donation, indicate who the donation is for and who you want the acknowledgment sent to, providing that person’s address. Otherwise, you risk that another family member who doesn’t know you might be notified of the donation.

If you do not know the bereaved family and would like to honor the deceased by supporting a cause you find meaningful, I believe it is fine to make your own choice. You are the one that will find comfort knowing your donation in the deceased’s memory will make a difference.

When no one has indicated where to make a donation, then the choice is up to you. Did the deceased have a passion for nature, the environment, the arts, or humanity? If you’re uncertain, it’s often most appropriate to honor someone’s memory through a donation that helps someone in need. Many people find comfort knowing that those less fortunate will benefit so think in terms of food banks, the homeless, or other helping organizations.

Whatever you choose to do, honoring the deceased by helping others is a caring thing to do.
Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

The importance of empathy

The words sympathy and empathy are often thought to be the same, and yet they are distinct expressions.

In times of death, we often extend sympathy by sharing our sorrow for what’s happened. Sympathy cards are usually synonymous with condolence messages. When offering sympathy, we’re expressing concern for another’s feelings. Cards, notes, phone calls, e-mails, meals, and offers of assistance are all expressions of sympathy.

But you don’t offer empathy, you feel it. Empathy is the act of putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. It’s trying to imagine, “How would I feel if this happened to me?” And it’s the ability to act on those feelings. When being empathetic, we extend our concern by offering compassion so the bereaved feels validated; that someone has a sense of what has happened and how they might be feeling.

I think it’s easier to extend sympathy. We all know to attend the funeral, participate in mourning rites, send a card, make a donation, and keep in touch. Empathy is harder; it’s taking the time to think carefully while trying to understand how you might feel if this happened to you and what might bring you comfort.

Listening is a good example of empathy and we all know how difficult it is to simply pay close attention and listen, without adding our personal feelings or thoughts. It takes patience to hear the same story over and over again but it is an empathetic and meaningful thing to do.

When I think back to some of the comments that others have shared, it’s easy to discern the differences. One mother wrote that at her child’s funeral, she sat all by herself at the funeral with her surviving child; everyone else sat behind. If someone had taken a seat next to her, that would have been empathetic. Another wrote that she had to make all the arrangements for her father’s funeral and reception by herself. Relatives weren’t happy with what she planned and complained to her at a time of painful loss; empathetic folks would have helped and those that couldn’t would have accepted what she was capable of doing and extended comfort.

We’ll all experience loss – would you prefer someone extend you sympathy or empathy?

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Five ways to help re-establish routines

When you’ve lost a loved one, the world as you knew it has changed forever. You lose your bearings, relationships change, and routines shift. Nothing feels right and the unfamiliarity is an uncomfortable reminder that life won’t ever be the same.

Most of us cherish the regularity of our lives and it’s our daily routines that give structure to our days. One of the most helpful things you can do for someone grieving a loss is to help them re-establish routines.

1. Offer to bring milk and bread every Monday or a rotisserie chicken each Wednesday, creating order to the week.

2. When there are children, offer to drive them to their activities or create a new carpool until the bereaved is ready to resume this task. Include the children in your own family activities so they stay engaged.

3. If the bereaved volunteered once a week or every other week, offer to take their place for the first month or two. Then, suggest you drive them or accompany them as they return to their volunteer activities.

4. Establish new routines that promote well being and engage the mind such as a Tuesday morning walk, a weekly exercise class, or a monthly book group.

5. Suggest you make a weekly or monthly date for coffee, breakfast, lunch, or dinner, always at the same food establishment and at the same time.

It takes patience to help someone who is sad, lost, and struggling. But it’s your helpfulness that can really make a difference, gently moving the bereaved back into their daily lives.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Why is it so hard to listen?

Two of my friends are great listeners; one says it’s because she’s the middle child and the other because she’s the eldest. Well, I’m a good listener too and I’m the youngest. So there goes the birth order theory.

So what makes a good listener? Most important, the willingness to keep quiet while someone else speaks. But it’s not just listening that’s important; it’s being attentive and present. In this era of multi-tasking, it’s hard to concentrate on just one thing and keep your hands still. And yet if you’re really going to listen, you need to pay attention to what is said, making nonverbal gestures as well as verbal acknowledgements so the speaker understands that you’re following and encouraging the conversation.

Listening is not an innate ability; it’s a skill. And like any skill, it takes lots of practice to perfect. So why not start? Choose a coffee or lunch date and ask “How are you doing?” Then plan to listen. Ask questions that encourage conversation and focus your attention on the other person. Hopefully, it feels good to be a listener and you’ll try it again – soon.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Supporting the bereaved after suicide

A member of my community took his life. It was a sudden and traumatic loss and while some people treated his widow with kindness, she shared that she was unprepared for the hurtful actions of others. For example, she saw a friend walking towards her one morning in our small town. The friend saw her too and she quickly crossed the street to avoid her. A colleague also shared a hurtful experience following the suicide of her physician brother. Though she was a child, she vividly remembers the sound of her neighbor’s shoes as she crossed their wooden porch. When her mother answered the loud knock, the neighbor asked, “Jean, how’d he do it?”

It’s shocking to hear that someone has taken their life but even more shocking to learn that people do not give the bereaved the same support they give for other deaths. Why should we shy away from someone who is grieving just because their loved one took their life? As one widow states, “My husband was a good man and lived a good life; he just chose to end it badly.”

When you learn that someone has died and the cause of death is suicide, please do the same things that you would do to comfort and support the bereaved. They’ll need your support now and for a long time to come. It’s just the right thing to do.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

What’s appropriate to share?

When my cousin died many years ago, a poem she wrote about her herself, her husband and children was read at her funeral. My aunt had the poem written in calligraphy and gave me a copy for my birthday. Decades passed and my cousin’s children married and had children of their own. One day, I realized I no longer lingered to read the poem and wondered if my cousin’s daughter would better appreciate it. But I wasn’t sure if it would open old wounds so I wrote her a letter and asked if she’d like it. She did; she’s had it framed and she’s told me how happy she is that I passed it on to her.

I wasn’t so successful in trying to share something passed to me that really belonged to a distant cousin. I’ve learned that some people do not want tangible reminders of loss and, not everyone is left with loving and warm feelings when someone dies.

So what do you do with old photos, letters, scrapbooks, or memorabilia? If you want to pass them along to the bereaved, give some thought before taking action. I’ve found that many people are grateful for photographs that favorably portray their loved one. They might appreciate a letter that provides some inkling into feelings or experiences, again, on a positive note. These are the items that might bring the bereaved comfort during those early weeks and months.

Allow some time before offering scrapbooks, clothing, artwork, jewelry, or other household items. Consider communicating with them first, discussing an item that you think might be meaningful, describing it or sending a photo. Only offer if you are willing to pack it and pay for the shipping. And don’t take offense if they decide they don’t want your item; they might be overwhelmed with all the possessions they already have and might not want or need other items to sort through.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

What to do when an acquaintance dies

When someone you hardly know has died, it can be shocking to experience strong emotions. This happened to me several years ago; I read the morning paper and realized that the 15-year old who died in an automobile accident was the daughter of long ago friends. I had only met the daughter once, shortly after her birth, and yet I remember sobbing as I read her name.

We can’t possibly predict how we’ll feel when someone we know dies; and it’s even harder to imagine how a loss might affect us when it’s someone we barely know. It’s helpful to digest the news and process your feelings before deciding how you’ll respond. And there is no established protocol you’ll need to follow upon learning of an acquaintance’s death.

In my case, my husband and I chose to attend the funeral. The family was Jewish and sat shiva for seven days; during the shiva, you visit the home and pay your respects. Even though we hadn’t seen the parents in over a decade, we chose to attend the shiva to show our support and to pray and grieve with the bereaved.You have the option to attend the viewing or funeral, or write a condolence message.

There may be times you’ll learn of a death and choose not to act. Trust your instincts and do what feels appropriate.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Stand by their side

It can be really awkward when someone you know is grieving a loss and you never met the deceased. Should you participate in the burial and mourning rituals at the funeral, cemetery, or home? Do you pay a personal call days or weeks following a death? Maybe you did know the deceased, but you’re afraid to say or do the wrong thing and contemplate staying away.

Many folks have questions on what’s appropriate etiquette following a death. I’ve come to the conclusion that just showing up is what’s most important.

There’s a common theme to the stories I hear from those who’ve experienced loss. “My colleague came to the visitation. We’re not even close but I was so glad to see her.” Or, “I’ll never forget my friend from out of town who came to the funeral, the cemetery, and back to the house.” And sadly, “I'll never feel the same about one of my closest friends who in three months couldn't make the time to see me.”

Whether you choose to show up or stay away, your actions will make a lasting impression. And remember, there is nothing magical you can say that will take away the pain. The bereaved just want to know they’re not alone and that you’re standing by their side. Share with them how sad you are that they’ve lost a loved one and then take your cues; listen if they want to talk, mingle with the other guests, or lend a hand with the serving and clean up. Just keep in mind that your presence is what’s important.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Don't ask someone grieving to take the initiative

Folks think they’re being helpful when they offer, “Call me if you need anything.” While the sentiment is sincere, it places a burden on someone who is grieving and can barely muster the energy to get out of bed. They won’t call you; they're too drained to take the initiative, they probably don’t know what they need, or, they don’t know what you'd be willing to do. And what if someone does take the initiative to call and ask for your help? Chances are you won’t be available exactly when your assistance is needed. And the last thing someone grieving needs is rejection.

So, what can you say and do to really help?

1. Offer something you are comfortable doing: “Can I get you anything from the grocery today?” Or, “I’d like to bring dinner. Which day is best?”

2. Make your offer specific: “I have two hours on Thursday. Can I run an errand for you or come over and help you?”

3. If you are not comfortable calling, send a gift you think would be helpful; possibly a gift card to a food outlet they like or a fruit basket.

4. If you want to help but would like to be anonymous, drop off a gift. Neighbors grieving a loss were appreciative of a dozen bagels left on their doorstep. A friend was touched to arrive home and find home-baked banana bread in her mailbox.

5. An acquaintance was truly at a loss at what he might be comfortable doing. When he realized he could offer transportation, to the airport or the pharmacy, his eyes lit up. This was something he felt capable to do. You too can find a way to make a difference.