Respecting a friend's request

A reader wonders what they can do to support a friend who is terminally ill. The two had a close relationship but the friend moved away to be near family. The friend has gotten sicker, refused all requests to visit, and has become too weak to speak on the phone. It is feared that the end is near. The reader wonders, “Should I keep calling, requesting a visit, or, should I honor my friend’s request, even if I may never see them again?”

This is a painful dilemma. I often find it helpful if you can put yourself in the other person’s shoes. If you very ill and at this stage in your own life, would you want someone to honor your request? And if you do, that doesn't mean you have to stop caring.

Since the phone calls aren’t getting answered or returned, why not try reaching out in another way? It’s often special to receive something in the mail and you can write your thoughts directly to them. There are many benefits to this strategy; they'll hear from you and if they choose, they can re-read your letters at any time. You are respecting their privacy while reaching out to let them know they’re not alone. And you can always say “I understand your desire for privacy. Should you feel at any time you'd welcome a phone call or visit, I will respond as quickly as I can."

You might also reach out to the parents with a note. They are going through this experience with their son or daughter and they too could use support. Let them know you are thinking of them and would love to reach out and help in any way. Remind them that you've communicated to their son or daughter that you will come and support them, and you’re willing to do the same for them.

It's important to respect boundaries. The last thing you want to do at this point is make someone feel guilty for communicating their wishes. It's helpful to keep in perspective that as difficult as this is for you, it’s even worse for your friend and their parents.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Spread some kindness today

Do you have time to write a note today? I met someone who told me that once a week she sits at her desk and asks herself, “Who could use a note this week?” And then she writes one to someone who could use a dose of kindness.

In the frenzy to stay on top of things most of us find it difficult to find the time to write a note, no less figure out who could use some cheering up. But think how many spirits we’d lift if we all took the time this week to write one note to one person to let them know they’re not alone; that we’re thinking of them and wishing some sunshine their way. Can you find the time to do it? I’m going to do it right now.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Brighten someone’s life today

Not too long ago, I met a thoughtful soul. She sat at her desk once a week and asked herself, “Who could use a note this week?” And then she wrote one. Sounds simple enough but when was the last time you wrote a note? Better yet, when was the last time you received one?

Years back, I stayed with my mom for a week while she recuperated. Mail delivery was one of the highlights of the day. I’d sift through and pull out the notes and cards and then read them out loud. That time of day made us both feel nurtured and less isolated.

It’s easy enough to pick up notes and cards and you may even have postcards left from your travels. How wonderful would it be if we all thought of one person that could use a lift this week and wrote them a message? You don’t need to vacillate on the content or length, just the thought is important. Your message can be as simple as “Thinking of you today and sending sunshine your way.” And that’s exactly the intention.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Grieving loss during the holidays

Holidays should be joyful, but they are often sad for individuals grieving a loss or going through a difficult experience. Five simple things can bring cheer to those facing tough times:

1. Write a personal note to let them know you are thinking of them and their loved one.

2. Invite them out to lunch and offer to provide transportation.

3. Deliver a gift bag or tin with home-baked or store-bought cookies, muffins, or a quick bread.

4. Include them in your holiday activities but don't be offended if they decline the invitation.

5. Establish a new ritual - a quiet brunch the week before or after the holiday, a meal you prepare together on a week night, or an afternoon tea.

Adapted from "How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say: The Right Words for Difficult Times"