Where do we draw the line on questions?

The Washington Post recently published an article about their obituary desk. Their policy is to write an obituary for anyone who has lived in the Washington, DC area for at least twenty uninterrupted years or, more years lived in the Washington, DC area than elsewhere. But here’s the hitch; they won’t publish an obituary if the family won’t share the cause of death or detail the marital history of the deceased or criminal convictions.

I found that interesting in lieu of the blog posting a few weeks back on what’s inappropriate to ask. Where do we draw the line on what’s too personal and what’s not?

When a loved one dies, it’s shocking, whether we’re prepared or not. Pain runs deep and it really is no time for questions. Some of us might be very willing to share details, for it’s in the telling that we begin to grasp our loss. But for some of us, the details are very personal, and we’re careful with whom we share our most intimate experiences and thoughts.

Sadly, it’s often the truly inappropriate things that people say that stick with us. For me, it was a friend that asked the week after my mother died, “Do you think she knew she was dying?” The question shocked me, but angered me too. Her insensitivity forced me to consider something that was terribly painful.

You might ask yourself some questions before doing the questioning: “What information am I looking for?” and “Why is it important for me to know?” “How might the bereaved feel when I ask this question?” and “Am I helping or hurting?” And, most importantly, “How would I feel if someone asked me this question after I lost my loved one?”

Keep in mind that loss is terribly painful and in the midst of all the pain, the bereaved might not be ready to think about or deal with the answers to your questions. Instead of asking, offer - comfort and support.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.