Comforting Words - When You Don't Know What To Say

This is the blog of Robbie Miller Kaplan, author of "How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say." Please bookmark my site as a resource on helpful ways to comfort those facing tough times. Comments and questions are welcome!

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Welcome to Comforting Words! We’ve all faced a situation that’s left us speechless. A friend shares a devastating medical diagnosis, you learn via email of a relative’s death, or an acquaintance with a long-standing marriage tells you she’s getting divorced. What do you say? We’ve all been at a loss for words when we've needed them most. My goal in creating this blog is to provide a forum to share stories, ideas, and resources that will help us communicate effectively when confronted with unexpected news of loss and difficult times. And most important, I’d like to give insight into the best ways to help others so they don’t feel isolated and unsupported when facing difficult times. I feel so passionately about the importance of providing support that I wrote a book on the topic: How to Say It When You Don’t Know What to Say: The Right Words for Difficult Times. It's now available in volumes on Illness & Death, Miscarriage, Suicide and e-books on Death of a Child, Death of Newborn or Stillborn Baby, Divorce, Pet Loss and Caregiver Responsiblities at http://wordsthatcomfort.com.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

How to be supportive after a miscarriage

Susan is in her sixties with four grown children that have brought her great joy. Yet she still feels the sting of a hurtful comment made after her miscarriage decades ago. Susan painfully recounts how a friend expressed no sympathy but asked, “Do you know what caused it?”

Like Susan, Melanie carries a deep hurt from comments after her miscarriage. One friend who also miscarried told her, “My baby lived 19 weeks while yours only lived five.” Melanie wonders, “Should my grief be less painful than my friend's because my baby died earlier in the pregnancy?”

Susan and Melanie aren’t alone. Medical professionals, friends, and family members often feel awkward following a miscarriage. And yet a miscarriage is a death in the family and should be treated as such.

Just because a baby died before its birth doesn’t mean it wasn’t deeply loved, cherished, and wanted. Parents might have already learned the baby’s sex, selected a name, planned the nursery, or bought items for the baby.

So what should you say or do? Stick to the basics. Express your sympathy the same way you would for any other death: in person, by phone, or in a note. Communicate how sorry you are for the loss and let them know that you’re hoping their dreams will come true. Send flowers if that’s what you would normally do or offer to bring a meal. Parents with other children might appreciate some help with childcare while they take care of doctor appointments, errands, or just rest. It’s best to avoid sharing yours or other’s miscarriage experiences; it’s not going to make them feel better and isn’t that what you’d like to do?
Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

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