Comforting Words - When You Don't Know What To Say: 11/16/08

About Me

Location: United States

Welcome to Comforting Words! We’ve all faced a situation that’s left us speechless. A friend shares a devastating medical diagnosis, you learn via email of a relative’s death, or an acquaintance with a long-standing marriage tells you she’s getting divorced. What do you say? We’ve all been at a loss for words when we've needed them most. My goal in creating this blog is to provide a forum to share stories, ideas, and resources that will help us communicate effectively when confronted with unexpected news of loss and difficult times. And most important, I’d like to give insight into the best ways to help others so they don’t feel isolated and unsupported when facing difficult times. I feel so passionately about the importance of providing support that I wrote a book on the topic: How to Say It When You Don’t Know What to Say: The Right Words for Difficult Times. It's now available in volumes on Illness & Death, Miscarriage, Suicide and e-books on Death of a Child, Death of Newborn or Stillborn Baby, Divorce, Pet Loss and Caregiver Responsiblities at http://wordsthatcomfort.com.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Why write sympathy notes?

When someone dies, all we have left are our memories. Sympathy notes that express your condolences bring comfort to the bereaved. The most meaningful ones include your thoughts, personal memories, and if possible, a treasured story. Photographs are especially appreciated. But what happens when you need to write a note and you never met the deceased? I had to do this recently and here’s how I handled the death of a dear friend’s dad. I never met the dad, but my friend shared some stories about his family and I used that as the basis for my condolence note, which follows:

Dear Bill,

I was so sorry to hear about the death of your dad. I’m sure your dad had a hand in modeling behaviors that shaped the special person that you are – your wonderful medical skills, compassion, and patience. And your keen sense of humor. You have shared lots of stories about your family and I’m hoping that the good memories will be a comfort to you while you grieve this loss. Know that I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Much love to you and Katie.

Robbie

Labels: condolence notes, grief, sample letter, sympathy notes

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Making amends for something you said

What happens when someone you care about is grieving a loss and you know you said the wrong thing? That’s what happened to a friend of mine. She attended a family dinner and said something to her sister-in-law that she immediately knew was inappropriate. She didn’t know what to do, so she said nothing and her sister-in-law never mentioned it either. And even though the relationship seems fine, my friend feels guilty and wonders if there is something she can say a year later to make amends.

I suggested she use a note card to write a message and here’s what I recommended: Be honest – let her know that she is someone special in your life and your relationship is very important. Mention that you said something to her a year ago at dinner and you’ve been at a loss ever since as to how you might apologize. You never meant to hurt her and you want to let her know how sorry you are for what was said. You can tell her how fortunate you feel to have her as a family member And use the same close for your note that you’d use in other correspondence with her.

Labels: amends, apology