When to ask for help

It’s really tough to ask friends for help since it feels like we can’t handle our affairs. And yet we all face experiences that are so difficult, it is impossible to cope by ourselves. Some folks know the right things to do but others will look to you for guidance. Here are some things you might ask for when facing a tough time:

1. Ask to have a lunch or dinner order picked up at a favorite food outlet. I did this with a friend, leaving a lunch order over her voicemail, giving her the restaurant and requested delivery time. She showed up at the appointed hour and said she was grateful she was able to help me out.

2. Take a friend up on a blanket offer to help in any way. You be the judge on which offers are just conversation and which are sincere. I used a friend’s blanket offer for dinner companionship and she provided transportation and compassionate conversation.

3. A partner or family member can only take so much time off from work for appointments. A friend may be more than willing to accompany you and even take the edge off the day with a stop for coffee or lunch.

4. You might not have the time to shop for needed items. You can ask a friend to handle the transaction or, you can contact the store, make the transaction, and ask a friend to pick it up.

5. If you really like the rotisserie chickens at one store, or need milk twice a week, ask a friend who shops where you shop to pick up a standing order for you each week. And you can request a separate receipt to ease reimbursement.

Don't ask someone grieving to take the initiative

Folks think they’re being helpful when they offer, “Call me if you need anything.” While the sentiment is sincere, it places a burden on someone who is grieving and can barely muster the energy to get out of bed. They won’t call you; they're too drained to take the initiative, they probably don’t know what they need, or, they don’t know what you'd be willing to do. And what if someone does take the initiative to call and ask for your help? Chances are you won’t be available exactly when your assistance is needed. And the last thing someone grieving needs is rejection.

So, what can you say and do to really help?

1. Offer something you are comfortable doing: “Can I get you anything from the grocery today?” Or, “I’d like to bring dinner. Which day is best?”

2. Make your offer specific: “I have two hours on Thursday. Can I run an errand for you or come over and help you?”

3. If you are not comfortable calling, send a gift you think would be helpful; possibly a gift card to a food outlet they like or a fruit basket.

4. If you want to help but would like to be anonymous, drop off a gift. Neighbors grieving a loss were appreciative of a dozen bagels left on their doorstep. A friend was touched to arrive home and find home-baked banana bread in her mailbox.

5. An acquaintance was truly at a loss at what he might be comfortable doing. When he realized he could offer transportation, to the airport or the pharmacy, his eyes lit up. This was something he felt capable to do. You too can find a way to make a difference.