Comforting Words - When You Don't Know What To Say: 1/4/09

About Me

Location: United States

Welcome to Comforting Words! We’ve all faced a situation that’s left us speechless. A friend shares a devastating medical diagnosis, you learn via email of a relative’s death, or an acquaintance with a long-standing marriage tells you she’s getting divorced. What do you say? We’ve all been at a loss for words when we've needed them most. My goal in creating this blog is to provide a forum to share stories, ideas, and resources that will help us communicate effectively when confronted with unexpected news of loss and difficult times. And most important, I’d like to give insight into the best ways to help others so they don’t feel isolated and unsupported when facing difficult times. I feel so passionately about the importance of providing support that I wrote a book on the topic: How to Say It When You Don’t Know What to Say: The Right Words for Difficult Times. It's now available in volumes on Illness & Death, Miscarriage, Suicide and e-books on Death of a Child, Death of Newborn or Stillborn Baby, Divorce, Pet Loss and Caregiver Responsiblities at http://wordsthatcomfort.com.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

When loss hits the workplace

It’s one thing to support a family member or friend dealing with loss but harder to know what to say and do with relationships that lack intimacy. It may seem safe to do nothing when you’re uncertain how best to proceed but it’s the small kindnesses that mean a lot and go a long way in providing comfort. Here are some suggestions from real-life queries:

Q: How can you support a colleague that has experienced a painful loss? My supervisor is really an acquaintance and her 25-year old daughter, an only child, was just killed in a car accident. What can I say or do to help her?

A: Loss is very isolating so it’s important that you don’t stay away because that will isolate her even further. Let her know how very sorry you are that this has happened, either by note or in person. You can make a donation in her daughter’s name, either to an organization that she has designated or one that you think will have meaning. Leave a plant or flowers on her desk with a note that you are thinking of her. Or, on occasion, stop by her office with coffee. She’ll appreciate your thoughtfulness and feel better knowing that she and her daughter are not forgotten.

Q: What can you do when a business contact dies?

A: If you are in the same city or this was a contact that you developed into a more meaningful relationship, you may choose to attend the funeral. It would be appropriate and kind if you wrote the family a condolence note. You can state how sorry you were to hear of the death, that he (or she) was a consummate professional, and you really enjoyed working with him (or her). You can share a personal anecdote or story that reflects the individual’s talents or personality. Even if the family doesn’t acknowledge your note, they will appreciate knowing that their loved one was well thought of in the workplace.

Labels: condolence notes, what to say

Monday, January 5, 2009

Six distractions that hamper listening

Despite your best intentions, it can be hard to listen intently to someone dealing with pain and loss. Our personal communication experience is one of interactive dialogue but if you are to truly help someone processing a loss, the dialogue should be one way.

Distractions are barriers to effective listening. Here are six you can easily avoid:

1. Don't multi-task such as folding laundry, sorting mail, or unloading the dishwasher. Even if you're on the phone, they can hear.
2. Don't crack your knuckles, polish your nails, or tap your fingers.
3. Don't interrupt.
4. Don't shake your head.
5. Don't yawn or nod off.
6. Don't look away from the speaker.

Labels: listening