Leaving a message

Someone who likes to keep in touch with the bereaved recently asked: “Is it appropriate when leaving a message to let them know it's okay for them not to return the call?” Does that message convey that he would rather not hear back from them? Or, as was his intent, did it take the pressure off the recipient to return the call?

Many of us like to keep in touch when those we care about are going through a difficult time. And yet it’s hard to time our phone calls to reach the recipient when they are receptive to a call. That’s where voice mail and e-mail play a crucial role in conveying our message.

I remember a time when I would return home only to find ten concerned messages on the answering machine. I appreciated the sentiment, but it was exhausting to answer all the calls. I was always appreciative when someone let me know that they were just checking in and it was fine if I didn’t call back. That way, I knew they cared and if I didn’t have the energy, it was okay not to return the call. E-mail offers the same advantages; it lets you keep in touch any day and at any time, and lets the recipient respond if and when it is convenient.

When leaving a message, I often say, “This is Robbie and I’m just checking in to let you know that I’m thinking of you. If you would like to give me a call back at a convenient time, that’s great. But it’s fine if you don’t return the call. I just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts. Take care.”

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.