Making contact with the bereaved

While in my twenties, a close friend’s mom died. My friend shared the time and place of the visitation and yet I chose not to attend. I had good excuses; I was living in a large city and was unfamiliar with the part of town where the visitation was held. Also, my faith does not hold visitations and I had no idea what to expect. I chose to write a condolence note and I stayed away. The day after the visitation, before my note arrived, my friend called. During our conversation, she told me that an acquaintance from work had showed up at the visitation. She shared that even though they weren’t friends, she had embraced her warmly and was so glad to see her.

This experience taught me the importance of making that initial connection with friends and loved ones following a death. It’s like breaking the ice in any situation; it may feel very awkward at first, but once you make contact, communication becomes easier. For example, a few years ago, a member of my congregation experienced a terrible loss. Several weeks after his wife’s death, I saw him sitting alone before services. I approached him and gave him a hug and told him how sorry I was for his loss. When I returned to my seat, other members of the congregation followed my lead. It seemed as if they needed someone to show them that it was okay to make contact.

So how do you break the ice? And is it always okay to give a hug? If you are physically nearby, show your support by attending the visitation, the funeral or memorial service, and the reception. And speak to the bereaved. If the family is accepting visitors at home, pay your respects. If you are uncertain about whether it’s appropriate to give a hug, it might be best to ask, “Is it okay to give you a hug?” as not everyone is receptive. Condolence messages, whether by card or note, as well as donations are always appreciated.

But what if you are neither nearby nor close to the bereaved? It’s still appropriate to write a note or send a card. And if you’d like to remember the deceased with a donation, that’s okay too.

Once you’ve broken the ice, your support in the days ahead will be welcome. You might make a phone call, just to say hello and let them know you’re thinking of them. If they don’t answer the phone, leave a short message. E-mail is also a great way to keep in touch.

It’s very caring to offer to bring lunch or dinner, or visit the bereaved. We sometimes shy away from visiting because we know the bereaved are very sad. But visits should be short and all that is really required from you is companionship. The most helpful thing you can do is to let the bereaved know you care, and then listen, allowing them to guide the conversation. It’s not your job to distract them from their grief. If they’d like to talk, listen. And if they don’t want to talk, just sit and keep them company. Your presence is all that’s needed.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

What makes a condolence note memorable?

People express concern in finding the right words to write a truly appropriate condolence message. But it's not your mastery with words that's important; what's truly special are messages that come from your heart.

It's been eight years since my mother died and my family lit a candle this week to honor her memory. It sparked thoughts on the condolence messages after her death that truly brought me comfort. I thought I'd share some of the qualities that made these messages memorable.

1. Memories are all we have left when a loved one dies and it's wonderful to hear someone else's perspective of our loved one. One friend shared: "Your mom was always so fun to speak with. Many from her generation tell the same stories over and over but your mom had so many interests and travels, I loved to visit with her."

2. It can be insightful to hear how others viewed your family member. My cousin shared: "I always thought it must have been so much fun growing up in your family. You always seemed to be such an active and involved bunch. I can only imagine what a great teacher your mom must have been because she had such a keen interest in so many things."

3. A friend made me feel better for feeling so bad. She shared: "It is always difficult to lose your mom, no matter what your age."

4. And someone from my book club who was not an intimate truly touched my heart when she referred to my mom as "Your dear mother."

Simple things make a difference

When someone is going through a difficult time, communications and actions need not be elaborate to make a difference. Choose one or more of these five simple steps to offer your support:

1. Send a note to share your sadness, feelings, or memories and let the recipient know they are in your thoughts and prayers

2. Bring a meal, food item, or gift card for a favorite carry-out restaurant.

3. Make contact before going to the grocery store, pharmacy, hardware store, or post office to see if there are errands to run.

4. Provide transportation to funeral home, airport, hospital, physician, treatment, or professional appointments.

5. Offer to answer the telephone, make telephone calls, provide updates, or just stay at the home for an hour to handle the telephone and deliveries.

When loss hits the workplace

It’s one thing to support a family member or friend dealing with loss but harder to know what to say and do with relationships that lack intimacy. It may seem safe to do nothing when you’re uncertain how best to proceed but it’s the small kindnesses that mean a lot and go a long way in providing comfort. Here are some suggestions from real-life queries:

Q: How can you support a colleague that has experienced a painful loss? My supervisor is really an acquaintance and her 25-year old daughter, an only child, was just killed in a car accident. What can I say or do to help her?

A: Loss is very isolating so it’s important that you don’t stay away because that will isolate her even further. Let her know how very sorry you are that this has happened, either by note or in person. You can make a donation in her daughter’s name, either to an organization that she has designated or one that you think will have meaning. Leave a plant or flowers on her desk with a note that you are thinking of her. Or, on occasion, stop by her office with coffee. She’ll appreciate your thoughtfulness and feel better knowing that she and her daughter are not forgotten.

Q: What can you do when a business contact dies?

A: If you are in the same city or this was a contact that you developed into a more meaningful relationship, you may choose to attend the funeral. It would be appropriate and kind if you wrote the family a condolence note. You can state how sorry you were to hear of the death, that he (or she) was a consummate professional, and you really enjoyed working with him (or her). You can share a personal anecdote or story that reflects the individual’s talents or personality. Even if the family doesn’t acknowledge your note, they will appreciate knowing that their loved one was well thought of in the workplace.

Why write sympathy notes?

When someone dies, all we have left are our memories. Sympathy notes that express your condolences bring comfort to the bereaved. The most meaningful ones include your thoughts, personal memories, and if possible, a treasured story. Photographs are especially appreciated. But what happens when you need to write a note and you never met the deceased? I had to do this recently and here’s how I handled the death of a dear friend’s dad. I never met the dad, but my friend shared some stories about his family and I used that as the basis for my condolence note, which follows:

Dear Bill,

I was so sorry to hear about the death of your dad. I’m sure your dad had a hand in modeling behaviors that shaped the special person that you are – your wonderful medical skills, compassion, and patience. And your keen sense of humor. You have shared lots of stories about your family and I’m hoping that the good memories will be a comfort to you while you grieve this loss. Know that I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Much love to you and Katie.

Robbie