Brighten someone’s life today

Not too long ago, I met a thoughtful soul. She sat at her desk once a week and asked herself, “Who could use a note this week?” And then she wrote one. Sounds simple enough but when was the last time you wrote a note? Better yet, when was the last time you received one?

Years back, I stayed with my mom for a week while she recuperated. Mail delivery was one of the highlights of the day. I’d sift through and pull out the notes and cards and then read them out loud. That time of day made us both feel nurtured and less isolated.

It’s easy enough to pick up notes and cards and you may even have postcards left from your travels. How wonderful would it be if we all thought of one person that could use a lift this week and wrote them a message? You don’t need to vacillate on the content or length, just the thought is important. Your message can be as simple as “Thinking of you today and sending sunshine your way.” And that’s exactly the intention.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Leaving a message

Someone who likes to keep in touch with the bereaved recently asked: “Is it appropriate when leaving a message to let them know it's okay for them not to return the call?” Does that message convey that he would rather not hear back from them? Or, as was his intent, did it take the pressure off the recipient to return the call?

Many of us like to keep in touch when those we care about are going through a difficult time. And yet it’s hard to time our phone calls to reach the recipient when they are receptive to a call. That’s where voice mail and e-mail play a crucial role in conveying our message.

I remember a time when I would return home only to find ten concerned messages on the answering machine. I appreciated the sentiment, but it was exhausting to answer all the calls. I was always appreciative when someone let me know that they were just checking in and it was fine if I didn’t call back. That way, I knew they cared and if I didn’t have the energy, it was okay not to return the call. E-mail offers the same advantages; it lets you keep in touch any day and at any time, and lets the recipient respond if and when it is convenient.

When leaving a message, I often say, “This is Robbie and I’m just checking in to let you know that I’m thinking of you. If you would like to give me a call back at a convenient time, that’s great. But it’s fine if you don’t return the call. I just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts. Take care.”

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Words from long ago warm the heart

My daughter visited this week and when she arrived she had a twinkle in her eye. She extended her hand and there was a card I had never seen. “I found this while I was cleaning and it’s from Grandma,” she said.

I sat on the couch in front of the fire and opened the card. I’ve re-read notes and letters from my mom many times since her death, but this was a message I hadn’t read before. The note was written just four months before she died and as I began to read, I could feel her love and pride in this wonderful grandchild.

It was a special moment for me, a time to relish my mom’s words and feel her love anew. But it was something else; a time to appreciate the thoughtfulness and love of this wonderful daughter.

I’ve thought of the note many times in the days that followed. What strikes me most is the language of the note; it could have been written by me! I had no idea how fully I had adopted my mom’s style of writing, her words and expressions of love and care. And it made me feel so good to know that her spirit lives within me and that she’s so much a part of who I am, each and every day.

Years ago I found a card from an aunt who had passed away. When I visited my cousin, her son, I brought it with me as she had shared some personal information. I now understand why he was so happy to get the card. If you have a note or letter in your possession or something special from a loved one that has passed away, you might really make someone’s day by sharing it, whether the original or a copy. How wonderful that words from long ago can continue to warm our hearts.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.