Jewish rituals of mourning

When a death occurs in the Jewish faith, there are very specific rituals concerning burial and mourning that provide comfort to the bereaved as well as a framework for what to say and do.

It is custom for burials to take place as soon as possible, usually within twenty-four hours, but no longer than two days following the death. An exception is made only if immediate family must travel long distances. All aspects of the funeral are as simple as possible. There is no wake or viewing and the casket remains closed. Traditionally, there are no flowers at the funeral or memorial service and it’s not appropriate to send the bereaved flowers; flowers are considered for the living. Condolence messages and donations are welcome at any time following the funeral.

Mourners typically have a small symbolic tear to their clothes, called a Keriah, to represent a broken heart. The family will sit Shiva for seven days following the funeral. During Shiva, family members and friends congregate at the home of the bereaved to comfort the mourners. It’s customary to bring food, such as, baked goods, fruit, or meals. When visiting the bereaved, give your condolences and then wait for the mourner to talk about whatever he or she chooses. If the mourner wants to be silent, the visitor’s role is just to be with them; your presence is what’s important.

The family will continue to observe mourning during Sh’loshim, a period of twenty-one days, the three weeks following Shiva. Visits by friends during Sh’loshim are particularly welcome as condolence visits have slowed down and mourners might feel especially isolated.

Families will observe Yahrtzeit each year at the anniversary of their loved one’s death. On the loved one’s Yahrtzeit, a candle that will burn for twenty-four hours is lit while prayers are said. The family might attend Shabbat services where their loved one will be remembered during Yahrtzeit prayers.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Stand by their side

It can be really awkward when someone you know is grieving a loss and you never met the deceased. Should you participate in the burial and mourning rituals at the funeral, cemetery, or home? Do you pay a personal call days or weeks following a death? Maybe you did know the deceased, but you’re afraid to say or do the wrong thing and contemplate staying away.

Many folks have questions on what’s appropriate etiquette following a death. I’ve come to the conclusion that just showing up is what’s most important.

There’s a common theme to the stories I hear from those who’ve experienced loss. “My colleague came to the visitation. We’re not even close but I was so glad to see her.” Or, “I’ll never forget my friend from out of town who came to the funeral, the cemetery, and back to the house.” And sadly, “I'll never feel the same about one of my closest friends who in three months couldn't make the time to see me.”

Whether you choose to show up or stay away, your actions will make a lasting impression. And remember, there is nothing magical you can say that will take away the pain. The bereaved just want to know they’re not alone and that you’re standing by their side. Share with them how sad you are that they’ve lost a loved one and then take your cues; listen if they want to talk, mingle with the other guests, or lend a hand with the serving and clean up. Just keep in mind that your presence is what’s important.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.