When you need help

In a perfect world, someone would assess the needs of individuals or families dealing with loss and put a plan in place where they would receive the support they need. Some religious institutions do this and some friends are organized enough to create a network to fulfill those needs. But what happens when the religious institution fails to support, family lives far away, and friends can’t coordinate a unified effort?

When someone faces a difficult loss, whose responsibility is it to communicate their needs? This question came up recently when a reader shared their complicated medical trauma that had them back and forth to another part of the country for treatment. Like many others, they chose to communicate with family and friends via a caring website where they posted journal entries. They requested no calls so without phone communication and direction, it was hard to figure out how to best help; most friends and family members resorted to cards and e-mail. They did notify their religious institution but no concrete help was offered. And while cards and e-mails are helpful, this family had some real needs that were not addressed.

So it got me thinking how you might handle this if you needed support and it wasn’t forthcoming. What if you let your religious institution know your circumstances and they offer no support. Do you call them and communicate some specific needs? And what about your friends? Do you call one trusted friend and give them a list of other friends and ask them to coordinate support?

I’ve heard amazing stories how neighbors and acquaintances pull together to help those in need. How community members solicit help from other members who don’t even know the family. How new bonds are created and networks formed when individuals seeking support are willing to communicate their needs and ask for help.

I know how difficult it is to ask for help when you are feeling so vulnerable. But when others truly don’t know what to do, it may be the time to step up and be specific about your needs. And if someone says they can’t help you, don’t be deterred. There are a lot of caring souls out there that may just need some direction. And we all know that it’s the supportive and caring gestures that bring comfort and facilitate the healing process.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Being supportive from afar

Is distance preventing you from supporting a friend or loved one dealing with illness or death? Do you wonder, “How can I be supportive when I live far away?” Or, have you concluded it is too difficult to support someone from a distance and think, “I wish I lived closer so I can be supportive.”

There’s much you can do to show support from afar, and you can still make a difference in helping loved ones deal with loss. What you choose to do depends on your willingness to be involved and the needs or desires of your loved one.

Here are some ideas of what’s worked for others:

1. Take your cues on telephone calls as they may disturb both privacy and routines. Ask, “Is it okay if I call on Sunday? What would be a good time?” And then make sure you do call so they’re not waiting and disappointed.

2. If it’s okay to call, you might choose a day of the week and a specific time, checking in weekly to let them know they are in your thoughts.

3. If they prefer you not call, use email as a way to communicate. It’s not intrusive and it allows the recipient to read and respond at their leisure. And it also lets them know they are not forgotten.

4. Ask if there’s something specific you can do to help; you can conduct online research or ask for a contact list so you can call others with updates.

5. Mail a package of goodies every other week or once a month. You can get a small, flat rate box from the postal service and fill it with homemade cookies or other treats.

6. Ask if there is a favorite take-out food outlet. If so, buy a gift card for a dinner and its one less night they have to worry about a meal.

The effort you make will mean so much to someone feeling so alone. And you’ll feel good in the process.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Four ways to help a friend deal with grief

How can you help a friend who’s numb with grief over the loss of a loved one and at times takes her anger out on you? You can help your friend deal with her grief with any of the following activities:

1. Physical activity is a wonderful way to channel anger and refocus. You and your friend might make a date to take a weekly walk together in the evening or sign up for an exercise class together. You might need to arrange to pick her up to make sure it happens.

2. Music and other artistic expressions can be helpful. Does your friend sing or play a musical instrument? Do you enjoy creative pursuits such as painting, pottery, or scrapbooking? You might make a date to work on a project together, something you’re both familiar with, or something new for you both to learn.

3. Sometimes the best way to help heal is to help others. When you can't seem to help yourself, seeing how your efforts can make a difference in someone else's life is very uplifting. Volunteering can be a wonderful distraction.

4. Your friend might need more than you to discuss her grief. Is there a community or religious organization that has a support group? You can do an online search to see what’s available in your area. Even if your friend is not a member of a specific faith, they might be very willing to have her attend.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Small investment pays big dividends

Months ago, I led a workshop on communications during difficult times. One participant shared that after a cousin’s spouse passed away, he and his wife had covered all the bases. They attended the funeral, sent a condolence note, and made a donation in memory of the deceased.

While acknowledging his thoughtfulness, I mentioned the importance of keeping in touch in the months following a death. A simple phone call to the bereaved can mean so much; just say hello and let them know they’re in your thoughts.

When I saw the participant a few weeks later, he mentioned that when he returned from my workshop, he told his spouse, “Robbie said we should call Helen.” So they did. He said Helen sounded dreadful when she answered the phone, but when she heard their voices, she perked right up. She told them how happy she was to hear from them and he thanked me for suggesting the call.

How much time does it take to make a call? Five minutes, maybe ten? In just a matter of minutes, you too can make a positive difference in the life of someone grieving a loss. And all you have to do is pick up the phone.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

When to ask for help

It’s really tough to ask friends for help since it feels like we can’t handle our affairs. And yet we all face experiences that are so difficult, it is impossible to cope by ourselves. Some folks know the right things to do but others will look to you for guidance. Here are some things you might ask for when facing a tough time:

1. Ask to have a lunch or dinner order picked up at a favorite food outlet. I did this with a friend, leaving a lunch order over her voicemail, giving her the restaurant and requested delivery time. She showed up at the appointed hour and said she was grateful she was able to help me out.

2. Take a friend up on a blanket offer to help in any way. You be the judge on which offers are just conversation and which are sincere. I used a friend’s blanket offer for dinner companionship and she provided transportation and compassionate conversation.

3. A partner or family member can only take so much time off from work for appointments. A friend may be more than willing to accompany you and even take the edge off the day with a stop for coffee or lunch.

4. You might not have the time to shop for needed items. You can ask a friend to handle the transaction or, you can contact the store, make the transaction, and ask a friend to pick it up.

5. If you really like the rotisserie chickens at one store, or need milk twice a week, ask a friend who shops where you shop to pick up a standing order for you each week. And you can request a separate receipt to ease reimbursement.

Don't ask someone grieving to take the initiative

Folks think they’re being helpful when they offer, “Call me if you need anything.” While the sentiment is sincere, it places a burden on someone who is grieving and can barely muster the energy to get out of bed. They won’t call you; they're too drained to take the initiative, they probably don’t know what they need, or, they don’t know what you'd be willing to do. And what if someone does take the initiative to call and ask for your help? Chances are you won’t be available exactly when your assistance is needed. And the last thing someone grieving needs is rejection.

So, what can you say and do to really help?

1. Offer something you are comfortable doing: “Can I get you anything from the grocery today?” Or, “I’d like to bring dinner. Which day is best?”

2. Make your offer specific: “I have two hours on Thursday. Can I run an errand for you or come over and help you?”

3. If you are not comfortable calling, send a gift you think would be helpful; possibly a gift card to a food outlet they like or a fruit basket.

4. If you want to help but would like to be anonymous, drop off a gift. Neighbors grieving a loss were appreciative of a dozen bagels left on their doorstep. A friend was touched to arrive home and find home-baked banana bread in her mailbox.

5. An acquaintance was truly at a loss at what he might be comfortable doing. When he realized he could offer transportation, to the airport or the pharmacy, his eyes lit up. This was something he felt capable to do. You too can find a way to make a difference.

Simple things make a difference

When someone is going through a difficult time, communications and actions need not be elaborate to make a difference. Choose one or more of these five simple steps to offer your support:

1. Send a note to share your sadness, feelings, or memories and let the recipient know they are in your thoughts and prayers

2. Bring a meal, food item, or gift card for a favorite carry-out restaurant.

3. Make contact before going to the grocery store, pharmacy, hardware store, or post office to see if there are errands to run.

4. Provide transportation to funeral home, airport, hospital, physician, treatment, or professional appointments.

5. Offer to answer the telephone, make telephone calls, provide updates, or just stay at the home for an hour to handle the telephone and deliveries.