You can’t hurry grief

I thought I knew everything there was to know about grief. After all, I’d faced some terrible losses by my early thirties. And yet my mom’s death really shook me. The grief and sense of loss was devastating and I found it incredibly hard to pull myself together that first year.

From my experience, I’ve learned that every loss is different and one loss doesn’t necessarily prepare you for the next. Unlike other life experiences, the more practice you have doesn’t make you any more competent at coping nor does it make it easier. Grief isn’t like any other life event. It doesn’t matter how many times you go through it; each time is unique and each loss leaves a different void in your life.

That’s just one good reason to never say to the bereaved, “I know how you feel.” Because you can’t possibly know how someone feels; just because you lost a mother, a child, or a spouse, your loss was unique to you. None of us knows the personal history or relationship that’s part of the loss and grieving process.

Each of us grieves in our own time and in our own way. And if you are to heal, you must fully grieve. It’s hard to see someone in so much pain and I think that’s the reason many people shy away from the bereaved. But you can’t hurry someone through the mourning process. What you can do is be a friend. Stay the course, listen when they need to talk, and remain by their side. Isn’t that what you’ll want someone to do for you?

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Why is it so hard to listen?

Two of my friends are great listeners; one says it’s because she’s the middle child and the other because she’s the eldest. Well, I’m a good listener too and I’m the youngest. So there goes the birth order theory.

So what makes a good listener? Most important, the willingness to keep quiet while someone else speaks. But it’s not just listening that’s important; it’s being attentive and present. In this era of multi-tasking, it’s hard to concentrate on just one thing and keep your hands still. And yet if you’re really going to listen, you need to pay attention to what is said, making nonverbal gestures as well as verbal acknowledgements so the speaker understands that you’re following and encouraging the conversation.

Listening is not an innate ability; it’s a skill. And like any skill, it takes lots of practice to perfect. So why not start? Choose a coffee or lunch date and ask “How are you doing?” Then plan to listen. Ask questions that encourage conversation and focus your attention on the other person. Hopefully, it feels good to be a listener and you’ll try it again – soon.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is the author of How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss. Now available in three individual volumes: "Illness & Death," "Suicide" and "Miscarriage." Three additional titles are available as e-books: "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn and Newborn Baby" and "Pet Loss." Click here to order.

Six more distractions that hamper listening

When someone trusts you enough to share their thoughts and feelings, they're asking for just one thing - they'd like you to listen. They're not looking to you for answers and they don't want you to judge. They just want to voice their experience.

It's not easy to be a listener; it takes lots of energy and hard work to actively listen. You'll listen more effectively if you avoid these six additional distractions:

1. Don't finish their sentences. Remind yourself how important it is to have patience when someone is struggling to formulate their thoughts.

2. Don't tell your own stories.

3. Don't share stories about other people's experiences.

4. Don't cut them off; allow them to finish their thoughts.

5. Don't change the subject.

6. Turn your cell phone off. If for some reason you left it on or it's on vibrate, ignore it if it rings and let it go to voicemail.

Six distractions that hamper listening

Despite your best intentions, it can be hard to listen intently to someone dealing with pain and loss. Our personal communication experience is one of interactive dialogue but if you are to truly help someone processing a loss, the dialogue should be one way.

Distractions are barriers to effective listening. Here are six you can easily avoid:

1. Don't multi-task such as folding laundry, sorting mail, or unloading the dishwasher. Even if you're on the phone, they can hear.
2. Don't crack your knuckles, polish your nails, or tap your fingers.
3. Don't interrupt.
4. Don't shake your head.
5. Don't yawn or nod off.
6. Don't look away from the speaker.

Seven ways to listen better

Someone facing a difficult experience needs an outlet to voice their concerns and fears. It is through conversations, sharing our stories over and over again, that we finally make sense of what is happening in our lives. One of the greatest gifts you can give someone facing a tough time is a willingness to listen. And yet listening doesn't come easy to us. Listening is a skill, just like speaking and writing, and the more you practice, the more proficient you become. Here are seven strategies to help you be a better listener:

1. Choose a private and comfortable place to talk.
2. Disregard your own feelings and thoughts and focus solely on the speaker.
3. Look directly at the speaker.
4. Avoid interruptions and don't talk.
5. Demonstrate warmth in your voice and your facial expressions.
6. Change position if you find your mind wandering or feel you are slipping away.
7. Stay calm and be patient.

The Gift of Listening

It happens all the time. Something has us stressed, upset, or worried and we search for comfort. But what we really need is someone to listen; someone to give us their full attention as we share our fears and concerns. We’re not looking for advice, we’re looking for understanding. And we each have the power to give this all important gift – our time and attention.

It’s hard to ask for support but we can’t expect our friends and loved ones to be mind readers and intuitively understand our needs. This message was in my mail this morning: “I want to write to my one close friend as I need comfort from that friend. Could you please tell me how to write a letter to him on this topic?” Here's what I suggested:

Dear Tom,

This past month has been really difficult and I’ve been trying to resolve some problems on my own. But I’m not faring well and the issues have me tense and worried. I really could use a good listener and wonder if you would do that for me. We could make a date for dinner or a visit at my home. I’ll make myself available at a time that is convenient for you. You are such a good friend and I need your friendship now.

Thanks for being there for me.

Best,

Joanne